The CamPound. Robbie is sitting on his bed, talking to Mary on the phone and updating her on the latest Camden family news. And because Jessica Biel is off making another crappy movie and can't be bothered, we don't get an actual shot of Mary talking on the phone with Robbie. When it's Mary's turn to say something, the camera remains on Robbie so we can't even hear her side of the conversation. Meanwhile, Vice Principal Cindy Williams is trying to call the CamPound to determine Ben's identity, but keeps getting a busy signal. Hey, Robbie? Haven't you heard of waiting until the rates go down before you make a long-distance call? And hasn't the Camden family heard of call waiting? Ben tells VP Shirley Feeney that the Camdens' phone will probably be busy for a while since they only have one line. Ruthie insists that it's okay for Ben to drive her home. VP Shirley is unmoved, not to mention frustrated that the police haven't arrived yet. "Why would you come all the way from Buffalo if you're Mary's old boyfriend?" asks Shirley, removing her glasses and checking out his package. Despite the fact that it's not Shirley's business, Ben explains how he's trying to talk Mary into getting back together with him, even though she's going out with a pilot twice her age. "I wonder what he looks like," says Shirley. Ruthie makes a gesture as if she's a gorilla beating her chest. Shirley's all, "I saw that." What? I didn't get this scene at all. Meanwhile, Robbie is still yammering away to AbsentMary on the phone. Now he's telling her about Pat Boone dropping by and trying to break her up with Captain Smith.
CamKitchen. RevCam enters and asks Hag-Faced Annie about the hat. He also wants to know where Ruthie, Ben, and Simon are. Annie complains always being the one that has to find everything. "But you're the finder," says RevCam. Whatever. Annie hag-ulates that Ruthie has tricked Ben into taking an afternoon field trip and that Simon will be home any minute. "And if he doesn't come home?" asks RevCam. "Then we'll call the police," says Annie. "You mean Kevin?" asks RevCam. Annie affirms this. "We can't just use Kevin as our own private police officer," says RevCam. "Why not?" says Annie. "We did it for years with Sergeant Michaels and he made captain." Hee!
Meanwhile, Simon is already at the police station, where Roxanne and Kevin are sitting down at their desks. Simon has a legal question that he couldn't find answers to at the library. Kevin tells Simon that he's been trying to call Lucy on the phone, but "somebody has the phone tied up." He asks Simon why the Camdens don't "move into the twenty-first century and get cell phones." Simon explains that it's a church thing. Or rather, that the church doesn't have the money for modern conveniences. Rachel Blanchard chimes in with a few "told you!"s and "told you so"s throughout the conversation, just to make her seem brash and independent, but it's not working. Sergeant Michaels enters and tells Kevin to get over to Ruthie's school and ID Ben. Kevin is about to run over when Rachel Blanchard is all, "Your brother's in town?" You see, women who work outside the home are desperate for a man and will run like dogs toward anyone available. Sergeant Michaels is all, "What are you running here? A dating service?" For some reason, they don't even give a reaction shot of Simon or anyone looking at Simon to enhance the irony of Sergeant Michaels's last remark. Kevin and Rachel Blanchard exit, leaving Simon alone with Sergeant Michaels. "I have to write a paper on that thing where women can just drop off their babies at the hospital with no questions asked," says Simon. Sergeant Michaels, barely concealing his suspicion of this being more than a homework matter, explains that in the state of California, "all they have to do is take the baby to a fire station, emergency room, or police station, no questions asked." Simon insists that it's just research he's doing for a biology paper. Sergeant Michaels offers his help anyway. Simon keeps lying badly.