Lucy and twins look for the hat, a search which consists of Lucy taking the twins by the hands, looking inside various rooms through the doorway, and asking, "Is it here?" in front of each one. The twins deny placing the hat in every room she tries. Robbie finally gets off the phone with AbsentMary, so Lucy hands the twins over to Robbie so they can look for Le Chapeau Du Pat Boone. Lucy asks Robbie about Kevin's virginity, but because the twins are present, she's really subtle about it. Robbie tells her to ask Kevin. Lucy explains that she did, but didn't get an answer, and goes into an explanation of the whole diary-reading plotline. "Aren't you too old to keep a diary?" asks Robbie. "It's a journal," whines Lucy, and launches into yet another litany about her privacy being violated. Robbie says he can't help her, and goes off to look for the hat.
Kevin and Roxanne arrive at the school to ID Ben. Rachel Blanchard is all "Wow, that's your brother?" Vice Principal Shirley explains that Ben threatened a student and "called her a name." Ruthie defends Ben, and points out that Cruel Girl started it by calling Ben a "big fat ape." Ben in turn points out to Ruthie that Cruel Girl never used the term "fat," and they start bickering. A secretary comes to rescue by announcing that Annie is on the phone, wanting to talk to Vice Principal Feeney, so Shirley exits to take the call. "You sure you want to marry into the Camden family?" says Ben as Ruthie makes ape-like gestures. Kevin is all, "Thanks to you, I won't be able to," and explains that he let it slip to Lucy that Ben told him some things from her diary and it "opened a can of worms." Meanwhile, Rachel Blanchard couldn't be more oblivious to the conversation that is taking place in front of her. Instead, she keeps hinting at wanting to be introduced to Ben, then finally gives up and introduces herself. This Roxanne girl is such a loser.
Claire Cleavage calls the CamPound looking for Simon. Annie answers, hears the desperation in Claire Cleavage's voice, and tries to assure her that Simon should be home any minute. CC explains that Simon was doing some "research" for her and apologizes for making Simon breaking his curfew. "He's on restriction but he's still allowed to help people," says an empathetic Annie, frantically looking for a pencil with which to take a message. Simon enters at last. Annie hands him the phone. CC is all, "Please tell me you have some good news!"
After a commercial break, night has fallen and Simon is sitting in bed, staring at seven phones, including the ugly clear one. Um, has anyone explained to Simon that if you only have one phone line, having seven phones isn't going to increase your odds of hearing from someone, or make your concern for them any more sincere? The doorbell rings; it's Pat Boone. "Have you found the hat yet?" he asks. RevCam makes Pat Boone admit that the visit isn't just about the hat. You see, according to Pat Boone, Mary broke up with Captain Smith, and Pat Boone thinks that the break-up is the result of RevCam giving Mary a good talking-to. Pat Boone apologizes for going all Alexis Carrington on their asses and promises that "no bookstore, no movies, no massage parlors" will be next-door neighbors to the CamPound. "When it comes to family, I get a little nuts," he explains. "All parents go a little nuts," says RevCam. "We just don't have your money." He invites Pat Boone by for a Sunday service. Pat Boone accepts the invitation happily...but he still wants the hat back. He says goodbye and exits. RevCam sings this stupid song that goes, "Good-bye, good-bye, we're leaving you skidalee-dah!" According to an internet search of mine, it's some song that Dudley Moore and Peter Cook used to sing on some show they did on the BBC. Annie enters, RevCam gives her the good news, and they both start singing that stupid song before Annie goes off to look for the hat some more. But before she gets up the stairs, she pauses to ask what caused Mary to break it off if it wasn't RevCam. "I'm hoping Mary," says RevCam. On her way up the stairs, Annie asks Lucy about the break-up. Lucy says she hasn't talked to Mary, and brings the subject back to her. Something about commitment phobia and being in a desert. I wasn't paying attention. "This is not a desert," says Annie. "This is real life." I don't really get it.