7th Heaven
The Fine Art Of Parenting

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RevCam counters with a hypothetical situation for Vincent, and it also involves Ruthie and her middle-aged virginity. Great. RevCam asks Vincent if it isn't better for him to get over his commitment-phobia and then marry Ruthie and have sin-free sex. And, by the way, commitment-phobia can be cured by going to church. I don't know why people bother paying for therapy for their problems anymore when they could just sit in church and be cured instantly. Vincent asks how he got dragged into the Ruthie-Forty-Virginity scenario. Well, he's a little bit culpable, being the one who brought this all up in the first place. I had absolutely nothing to do with any of this, and I still had to hear it. RevCam asks Vincent what church his parents attended when they were children. Vincent says they never went to church. Heathens! RevCam asks Vincent what would make him want to attend church. Vincent says it would have to be something pretty important to make him give up waking up late and watching superhero cartoons. RevCam sits down next to Vincent and says that it might be time for Vincent to "graduate" from his childish pastimes and move on to "reality." I hope this show isn't supposed to serve as an example of this "reality." "Life is real," continues RevCam; "the force behind life is…" and here I thought he was going to say something about churches or moral compasses or even Jesus, but he went with "real." It's not like I want people on this show to talk about Jesus all the time, I just think it's really weird for a pastor to talk about all the benefits of his religion without even mentioning him once. RevCam descends into babbling nonsense as he says that life or reality or the real force behind real life is "faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound." Vincent just laughs at RevCam, who buries his head in his hands because Stephen Collins has never been more ashamed of himself. Vincent asks, one more time, if his parents had anything to do with Ruthie asking him out. RevCam says they didn't. Vincent asks this again. RevCam's answer is the same.

Zoe's still sitting on the couch, having managed not to kill herself after spending an afternoon with the Camdens. I would have torn my head off and eaten it by now. Martin walks in, bopping his head the rock music from the early '90s coming from his walkman. When he sees Zoe, the bopping stops. Zoe says she has something "important" to talk to Martin about. She asks him if he minds her telling people that they had sex the other night. Martin furrows his brow, an effort that registers a 5.4 on the Richter scale. Seriously, Martin: tweezers are your friend. Zoe reveals that she fell asleep on Martin's couch on purpose so that she could tell people that they had sex because everyone else in her class has and she felt left out. What I don't understand is why Zoe felt the need to actually sleep over, unless there are sentries standing guard below the Treehouse, ready to confirm or deny any rumors of possible mischief. And even if there were, I think Zoe could just run up to the Treehouse, wait about five minutes, and then come back down and her story would still be believable. Hard luck for Zoe, though, because, after all the planning she did to make people think she wasn't a virgin, she had to go and choose the one teenage boy IN THE WORLD who would have a problem with his peers thinking he wasn't a virgin. Martin says he's angry about this. Zoe says Martin would be a "pretty lucky guy" if someone like Zoe ever did actually want to have sex with him. She tells Martin that everyone else in their school is having sex besides them and she just wants people to think she's normal. Martin says he doesn't like to lie. Zoe says if he's so into the truth, then he won't mind her telling her parents that she spent the night in Martin's apartment rather than the CamCouch. Unless Zoe has the type of father who would march over to the Treehouse with a shotgun in one hand and a priest in the other, I don't really see how what Zoe tells her parents affects Martin. He tells Zoe to do whatever she wants, but she won't be seeing him ever again. Zoe smirks her way out of the house. Oh, Zoe. So much effort to make people think you had sex with Martin when you could have had Mac just by winking at him.

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7th Heaven




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