7th Heaven
The Heart Of The Matter

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The Heart Of The Matter

RevCam is in the hospital, about to go under the knife. He's groggily answering questions about what kind of music he would like to listen to during his open-heart surgery. The nurse explains that music helps the doctors "to concentrate," and that it also keeps the patient happy. That's all well and good until some bozo chooses Celine Dion. Or the 7th Heaven theme song. If that happens, wouldn't the doctor be likely just to kill the patient outright? And is there a jury in the world that would convict that physician, given the circumstances? Fortunately, RevCam chooses Elvis. In fact, he not only chooses to listen to Elvis, but to be Elvis. As the anesthesia kicks in, we see RevCam in his own mind. It's pretty much a black wasteland, except for Eric himself, who is dressed up as The King. He's singing "All Shook Up." Stephen Collins does a good job of it, even though his fake guitar-playing could use a little work. He looks like he's having fun, too. I just hope these joyful moments compensate for all that crappy dialogue he has to deliver week after week.

Opening credits, after which RevCam sings us back in from commercial with "Don't Be Cruel." I'm sure it's safe to say that this is the best Opening Credits Timewaster we have ever seen -- or will ever see again -- even though the black backdrop and the beeping of a heart monitor in the background creep me out just a tad.

Annie phones Ruthie, who is baby-sitting the twins back at the CamPound. Ruthie's not doing this to be helpful, though; she's just avoiding the hospital in order to get back at RevCam for lying to her last week. Ouch. That's pretty harsh. Now, I hate being lied to too, but I don't think I could desert my own father in his hour of need. On the other hand, I'm not sure why Annie's trying so hard to get Ruthie down to the hospital. I know that if my husband were having surgery, the last people I'd want to have around would be Ruthie and those terrible twins. Count your blessings, Annie.

Lucy and Robbie are hanging out in the cafeteria. Robbie, probably rightly, assumes that Annie sent them there because she didn't want to look at them anymore either. Lucy goes off on what looks like it will be a whole orgy of selfish questions, like, "What if I never get to talk to my dad again?" Robbie tries to stop her before she really gets going, but to no avail. Lucy whines about how if anything happened to Kevin, she'll be all alone. Personally, I think that if she lost Kevin, she'd be spared a sad future of spousal abuse, but Lucy has become entirely too dumb to realize that. She gripes that if anything happens to Kevin, "All [she'll] be left with are some very good memories of making out, but that's it." She thinks that being engaged to Kevin would somehow make that different. Hey, Lucy, don't you think these topics would be better discussed in your journal? Please? Lucy concludes that she is now ready to get married. Discerning viewers everywhere yawn profusely at that news. Not Robbie, though. He is appalled, but not for the good, logical reasons you'd think he would be shocked -- like the fact that Lucy is still too young to get married, and that Kevin is a creepy asshole. No, Robbie is aghast because Lucy should be telling this to Kevin first, not to Robbie. Okay, that's true, but what about the fact that Kevin's a loathsome brute? Can't any of you Camdens see that? Huh? Anyone?

Simon comes into the waiting room to harass Annie for a while, asking her such winning questions as "Where's Matt?" and "Where's Mary?" Annie pointlessly expositions that Dopey is busy taking midterms at medical school. Medical school! Dopey! Hee hee hee! I don't think they should bother going to such great effort keeping up the illusion that Dopey is still a member of the CamFam. After all, unlike the character, I suspect the actor has been smart enough to invest his earnings in a way that will not lead to him debasing himself by returning to a show he so obviously detested. As for Mary, well, the less said about her, the better. Still, Simon stubbornly insists that everyone should be there. He conveniently forgets about Ruthie, though. Annie tells Simon to "let it go." She's not talking about his anger toward his siblings; she's referring to his guilt over being nasty to his father last week. That really was a great scene between RevCam and Simon. In fact, it must have been a little too good for this show. Maybe Brenda's afraid that more scenes like that will draw attention away from the show's usual agenda of preaching about how much better it is to "make out" than to have evil premarital sex. I know that sounds stupid, but it pretty much is what the show's all about. In any case, we won't be seeing more good drama any time soon, since Simon has apparently apologized to Eric off-camera. So, that got rid of the good, stirring part of the storyline, leaving us free to watch Simon insist that he's not mad at himself, while Annie maintains that he is. After a couple rounds of that, Simon gets bored and leaves to take a walk.

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7th Heaven

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