7th Heaven
The Long Bad Summer (1)

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Sara M: B- | Grade It Now!
The Long Bad Show

This recap is dedicated to Jamie, whose twenty-second birthday is today -- miss you.

Last time on This Goddamn Show, Det. Michaels and Lou were about to tell RevCam some bad news, Lucy was afraid she might be pregnant, Simon was going to the prom with a prostitute, Mary cried to the dad from The Wonder Years about how she got married and that was a big mistake, and Ruthie Became A Woman. And now with that out of the way, I'd like to give mad props to Cate, Alex Richmond, Sars, and all the awesome people in the forums. As this season gets underway, I will need you more and more. In fact, it might be a good idea to start collecting money now for my future stint in rehab.

The show opens with RevCam walking along a beach dressed like a J.Crew ad. He scratches his butt, only to be interrupted by SamVid and Happy. SamVid hug Parental Unit One in order to get close enough to him to suck out just a little bit more of his soul. Soon they will have all of his Life Force and they will become even more powerful. Lucy wanders into the corner of the screen and asks RevCam how he's doing. He's okay and so is Lucy, which sets my mind right at ease until she adds that she's only "as okay as any of us." How cryptic! I wonder if this has anything to do with that exciting, suspense-filled moment at the end of the last show? Kevin, a.k.a. "T-1000," a.k.a. "Mr. Lucy Camden," walks up and comments on the nice weather, although, from where I'm sitting, it looks cloudy and windy. And because no scene on this show is complete without irritating the holy hell out of me, Ruthie walks up, followed by her lame tampon-buying boyfriend Peter. Brenda Hampton said in a recent Entertainment Weekly that the actor who plays Peter got a visit from the "puberty fairy" over the summer, but it looks like he could use a couple more taps from the magic puberty wand. RevCam asks where Simon is, to which everyone responds by looking sad, or, in Kevin's case, bored. No one inquires as to Annie's whereabouts, so either she's dead or they don't care.

It's the latter, apparently, as we see Annie talking to an angry-looking Simon somewhere else on the beach. She's begging him to do something with the family on this, the last day of vacation. "I don't want to be on vacation. I don't want to have a picnic on the beach," Simon replies sullenly. Wow, he sounds just like my brother on our family vacations. Annie presses her way-too-painted lips together and tells him that "it" was an accident. Simon just sighs, and we see a wide shot of CamFam vacation house, which is, of course, unrealistically gigantic. I guess another old bag croaked and left her mansion to the church. I wonder if RevCam and the local estate lawyer have some kind of shady deal going on where the lawyer encourages feeble-minded old people to leave huge amounts of property to the church, and then RevCam gives him God's blessing in return.

And it's time for this season's new opening credits, which now feature so many people that I think they actually had to slightly extend the angelic singing at the end of the theme music to fit them all. Poor old Happy is fast becoming the only original character left on the show. There's got to be better opportunities for her somewhere. Even a commercial for a local pet shop would be preferable.

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7th Heaven




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