7th Heaven
The Long Bad Summer (1)

Episode Report Card
Sara M: B- | Grade It Now!
The Long Bad Show

Whoa, Marcia Wallace is guest starring in this episode? Awesome! She's my third-favourite Match Game sixth chair panelist, following Betty White and Fannie Flagg! My least favorite is, and will forever remain, Patti Deutsch. For the Opening Credits Timewaster, Kevin and Lucy pack and look at each other amorously. Then Kevin throws the suitcase off the bed so they can have more room for their make-out session, which lasts about three seconds. Well, they are newlyweds. Lucy and Kevin break apart and laugh like dorks while the episode writer's name flashes on the screen. Horrors, it's Brenda Hampton. This is going to suck so bad. Kevin says that they've had a tough summer, and Lucy sadly nods her agreement. Then Kevin rapidly switches topics and says that ever since Lucy told him that she thought she might be pregnant, he's been really happy. Not because she ended up not being pregnant, but because one day they will have kids together and he can't wait. Well, that's nice. They've wrapped up one of last season's big cliffhangers with three lines of exposition dialogue. Don't get me wrong: I really am glad that Brenda is sparing me from seeing any more of that stupid plotline. I mean, sure, it's a terrible way to tell stories, but the important thing is that I don't have to deal with a mini-Lucy or a Kevlet. Kevin says that he wants to have children; Lucy says that she wants to finish school first. What school? Oh, that's right; Lucy attends classes at Crawford Clown College twice a season, on their "fast-track" degree program. Kevin says that he needs something "life-affirming" right now. Well, that's a great reason to have kids. You know, if you're an idiot.

Peter, Ruthie, and SamVid play Go Fish. Ruthie asks one of the twins -- the one whose growth is stunted, which is the only way I can tell them apart -- if he has kings, but he shoots her down. The bigger twin says that he does have kings, to which his brother retorts (yes, actually retorts -- as in, he speaks like a normal person), "No, I don't." At this point, a tiny flicker of hope ignited somewhere in my cold, dark soul that this season, we were going to see the twins as two separate and distinct individuals instead of a hand-holding collective. Not like I really want to give a Camden any more screen time, but those pod toddlers really creep me out. Peter Peter Hoyle's Rules of Cards Reader lectures that if the twin has a king, he has to give it to Ruthie. The kid sort of tells him to shut it. I like this twin. He's a lot cooler than his tattletale brother. Peter and Ruthie start to talk about how much fun this vacation has been; Ruthie says it's the best vacation she's ever had. Knowing what is revealed later about why they're actually on this vacation, I can't believe she said that. Although I guess if I were an evil sociopath like Ruthie, a vacation spent with my emotionally fragile mother and depressed brother would be a lot of fun. Peter tells Ruthie he's glad that she invited him. I'm still trying to figure out how the CamRents can afford to take their real children on vacation, let alone their daughter's boyfriend.

The twins interrupt the crappy couple with some obnoxious kissy noises. Peter asks them why they have to tease him so much. "Because we wuv yooooou!" the smaller twin says. "We wuv yoooou," the bigger twin repeats. "And you wuv Wuuuthieee," says Twin One. "You wuvvvv Wuthie," repeats Twin Two. Sigh. Their individuality was good while it lasted. Now they're back to being SamVid. They stand up and make more kissy sounds until Peter jumps up as if to chase them. They "run" away "screaming." Ruthie says that she feels guilty about having such a good time. Peter says he "feel[s] badly for Simon too, but [he's] still having a good time." With such disregard for the feelings of others, those two are a match made in heaven. In "seventh" heaven, that is! Oh, I kill me. No, seriously. These twins are making me suicidal.

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7th Heaven




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