7th Heaven
The Long Bad Summer (1)

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The Long Bad Show

RevCam unpacks a pic-a-nic basket (tm Yogi Bear) with a big ol' frown on his face. Come on, RevCam! Turn that frown upside down! It takes 47 muscles to frown, but only three to smile! The reason why I'm so jovial and optimistic is because RevCam and my feelings are inversely proportional to each other. When he's happy, I'm sad. When he's sad, I'm happy. When he had a heart attack, my heart grew three sizes. RevCam hears a noise outside and goes to investigate, only to find the dopiest-looking burglar ever, including the Hamburgler. Oh wait, that's not a burglar at all -- that's Chandler…Hampton, who is starting this season off wrong by sporting a half-mullet and about twenty extra pounds, most of which seems to be in his face. I think Chandler's been to one too many church bake sales. Anyway, it turns out that RevCam and Chandler are so stupid that they don't even know how to plan vacations around each other; RevCam thought he was scheduled until tomorrow, and RevChan thought he was leaving yesterday. The fact that they're sharing this beach house makes my theory about the estate lawyer even more sound. Also, this mix-up is completely and totally RevCam's fault, since he said he wanted to be back in Glenoak "for the weekend," so obviously he meant that he would be out of there by Saturday morning at the very latest. Roxanne walks up and stands around in the background with nothing to do. Chandler says it's too long of a drive back to Glenoak for them to turn around, although it can't be that long of a drive if RevCam is planning to leave on Sunday morning and get the family home in time for church. The two pastors bicker some more, then stand around awkwardly until Simon realizes that this is his cue to come outside. Roxanne asks him how he is, to which he gives a curt and sassy reply. She ignores that and says she's been worried about him. Simon says that people being worried about him "makes it worse," then supplies this helpful nugget of exposition: "[Simon] killed someone. And don't say it was an accident, because it was an accident that happened when [he] was driving. [He is] responsible for killing someone."

Let's take a short moment here to pause and reflect on what we have just heard. One of the Camdens has killed someone in a car accident that wasn't even shown to us, but revealed in passing. Brenda could have ended last season with Simon getting in a car accident and us not knowing if he would be okay or not, but instead, she chose to make this as uninteresting and non-suspenseful as possible by making the entire event and the next three months after it happen off-screen. So now we get to see RevCam and Chandler fighting over precious, precious beach house time while the actual exciting event of the show is relegated to exposition dialogue. I didn't think I could hate this show anymore than I already do, and then Brenda does something cheap and, quite frankly, mean, like this and I manage to squeeze out just a little bit more raw hatred.

Simon walks away, and RevCam sighs sadly. Chandler asks how Simon is doing, as if the answer to that question weren't painfully obvious. Chandler reveals that there is a trial coming up, which is apparently happening because the Camdens' crappy insurance company isn't giving the dead kid's family as much money as they want. RevCam says that Simon doesn't have to go to the trial, but "he should. It was an accident." And Simon going to court will make him realize that…how? Wouldn't having to see the grieving family of the guy he killed make him feel even worse? Chandler realizes that he is being a selfish prick by trying to cut The Camdens' Vacation of Family Healing (Plus Peter) short, and says that he and Roxanne will stay at a hotel. RevCam says that Chandler and Roxanne don't have to leave -- there are plenty of rooms available at the Beach Mansion. In fact, there's a room for Chandler and another, very much separate room for Roxanne, "unless, of course, [they] decide to get married tonight." Yes, of course -- pressure two people to be joined in holy matrimony so you can free up a bedroom. Whatever; it's not any stupider than any of the other reasons why people on this show get married.

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7th Heaven

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