7th Heaven
The Long Bad Summer (1)

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Sara M: B- | Grade It Now!
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The Long Bad Show

Back at the beach, Chandler and Roxanne are talking about marriage. Chandler says that just being with Roxanne is not enough; he wants to be married to her. Roxanne takes this time to tell Chandler that she's sorry about his dad. He says that his dad dying has nothing to do with wanting to marry her. Oh, so that happened during the summer break too, did it? That's great. I definitely didn't want to see any potentially emotional moments; I'd much rather have it all told to me in Chandler's flat monotone after it has already happened. That's why I watch television; so people can tell me about stuff that happened instead of me actually being able to see it. This whole show is like this time in eighth grade when I was a little late getting to the bus stop, only to find that my tardiness had caused me to miss witnessing a spectacular three-car accident. Everyone jumped at the chance to tell me about it and how awesome it was, but that only made me feel worse because I hadn't seen it. I feel the same sense of disappointed bitterness every time a character mentions something important that happened that I won't get to actually see. Chandler says that he loves Roxanne and wants to "have babies" with her. They'll be the most boring, personality-less babies in the whole wide world. Roxanne gets all turned on by the mention of babies, apparently, because she jumps on top of Chandler and starts making out with him.

In the garage apartment, Kevin gets ready to go to bed after a long night of cleaning church signs. He asks Lucy to wake him up when she gets back from church. I guess RevCam's little "make them go to church so they won't do it" plan didn't really work. As Lucy turns to go, Kevin asks her who the guy talking to Ruthie outside is. Awesome cop instincts there, Officer Dumbfuck. You see your young sister-in-law talking to a creepy stranger and you just walk right by. It's like you want something bad to happen to her -- oh, I see. Hey, have I mentioned how I kind of like Kevin now? He didn't do anything this whole episode to make me totally hate him, unlike everyone else. I think he took some acting classes over the break, too. Lucy asks what the stranger looks like, and Kevin says he looked about his age, "maybe younger." Um, if by "younger" you mean "about fifteen years older," because Carlos has some wicked crow's feet going on there. Kevin suggests that maybe it's Carlos, to which Lucy's eyes bulge out of her skull and she runs off to be nosy. She runs into Ruthie, who is just getting in the house. "So," Ruthie says, her voice rich with spine-chilling menace, "you've been keeping a little secret from me, huh? Well, I don't like it when people keep secrets from me!" Then she shoots Lucy in the head and tells her nearby underlings to remember this, should they ever decide to keep a secret from her. Or not.

Service apparently over, the CamFam returns home and all walk, single file, upstairs. Peter's there too, of course. RevCam sees him and clears his throat. When Peter turns around, RevCam shrugs and mouths words. Peter compliments RevCam's sermon. RevCam continues to wave his hands around and not say anything. Maybe he asked God for some life-affirming telepathy, and he's trying to see if it's working yet. Peter says he just wanted to check on Ruthie, because she seemed quiet at church. RevCam says churches are supposed to be quiet. "There's a lot of talk going 'round, just the same," answers Peter, who apparently thinks he's starring in a 1950s Western. Eric asks for clarification, so Peter tells him that he heard people talking about the graffiti, and Ruthie did too. RevCam asks what else Peter heard. Peter says people feel badly for the dead kid's family, but also for the Camdens. Also, Chandler should either marry Roxanne or "break up with that hussy." Old women use words like "hussy," Peter says. Yeah, while today's youth prefers "harlot." RevCam asks for more gossip, and Peter says that everyone's been talking about Mary, but that's nothing new, as she's always the most popular topic in the church gossip scene. People want to know why Mary hasn't been home at all this summer. Some believe it's because she's a spy. For France. RevCam asks how Peter can hear all this stuff and he can't. Maybe it's because Peter listens to people instead of asking God for stuff. And I'd just like to take this time to thank Brenda Hampton for choosing to not to show us the church service filled with awesome gossipy church ladies and people shooting critical glances at the Camdens and Roxanne. It was much better television to have Peter relay all that to me instead of being able to see it for myself. And I'll bet it was cheaper, too.

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7th Heaven

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