7th Heaven
The Ring

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The Ring

Mary and Lucy are on a plane to Buffalo. Lucy is frantically pressing the flight attendant call button. Her big emergency? She wants more peanuts. Why? Airplane peanuts suck. The flight attendant comes over and explains that since the plane is in its final descent to Buffalo, the galley is closed. It's pretty obvious that this isn't the first time Lucy has lavished her special brand of CamRudeness on the flight attendant, who sarcastically tells her, "I know I speak for all of us serving you today when I say...we are really going to miss you." When Lucy perkily insists, "I don't want a steak; I just want some nuts," even Mary, formerly the rudest Camden, rolls her eyes. The flight attendant has evidently decided that her wisest course of action would be simply to ignore Lucy and walk away, and that's what she does. This leaves Lucy free to exposition that Mary has paid for their tickets to Buffalo so that she can pack up the stuff she left behind at the Colonel's. I have to wonder where, exactly, Mary found the cash for that. Didn't she used to work part-time at a homeless shelter while she was living in Buffalo? It's doubtful she was raking in the big bucks there. And hasn't she made absolutely zero effort to find a job back in Glenoak? Well, except for that time she stalked the Glenoak Fire Chief and tried to bully him into giving her a job. Mary inanely explains that this trip is a "fresh start" for her. Somehow, Lucy translates that to mean that Mary is returning because of Ben, that hunky firefighter dude. I'm not sure what that has to do with a "fresh start" but since lately every single action of these girls has something to do with a guy, I'm not surprised. Since Ben has already ditched her categorically, Mary plans to blindside him with her return. Hey, who ever said surprises have to be pleasant? Besides, Mary has a "plan." Well, then -- obviously she's doomed.

This week's Opening Credits Timewaster is so dull that it's almost a parody of itself. Lucy and Mary are in the baggage claim area watching a single bag moving around on the carousel, and that bag ain't Lucy's. It seems the airline has lost Lucy's bag, so rather than go to the lost baggage office, she's choosing to stand here and stare at somebody else's luggage instead. Bright girl, that Lucy. She complains some more about the airline and then tries to blame her bad luck on the universe, which she thinks is punishing her because it doesn't like Mary's plan to win back Ben. Mary refuses even to consider Lucy's suggestion that they turn around and go home, since Mary has "things to do." Lucy more accurately sums it up as, "And people to stalk?" You gotta love the shout-out. Mary argues that what she and Ben have is "love," which is pretty much what all the stalkers say -- at least in the made-for-TV movies I've seen. Lucy self-righteously points out that stalking is a felony, conveniently forgetting about all the times she's stalked people herself. She asks Mary to guard her remaining carryon bag while she takes a trip to the lost luggage office to irritate the hell out of the employees there. Mary stands around vacuously for a few minutes and then departs, leaving Lucy's bag behind.

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7th Heaven




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