7th Heaven
The Ring

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The Ring

Lucy goes over to a security guard and asks, "Excuse me, have you seen a small black bag?" You'd better treasure her politeness there, because that's the last time you're gonna see it in this episode. The security guard informs her that her bag was taken by the police because it was left unattended. Lucy belligerently demands her bag back, and when the security guard won't give it to her, she says, "Doomed, doomed, doomed. This whole trip is doomed." Though Lucy's hardly a scintillating conversationalist, this statement grabs the guard's attention. He suspiciously asks her what is doomed, and she answers, "The flight I was on, this airport, this baggage carousel, me, [Mary], you." She neglects to mention that this scene is doomed too, but that's becoming rapidly evident anyway. The guard calls over two other security guards. All three guards have that yardstick-up-the-ass look that makes me wonder if they're supposed to be the bad guys here and that we're meant to feel sympathetic toward Lucy. Since that's too loathsome a possibility for me to contemplate, let's just pretend I never mentioned it. Lucy self-righteously whines, "As an American, law-abiding citizen, I'm refusing to be searched." You wouldn't think it would be possible for anyone to act much stupider than that, but Lucy perseveres and pulls it off. Her next statement makes me long to smack her across the face: "Right, I'm a terrorist -- me, Lucy Camden, leader of the Al Qaeda, Glenoak division." Oh, Brenda, how do you offend me? Let me count the ways. Actually, let's not. You'd think it would have been blatantly obvious to anyone at the WB who saw this scene that it's incredibly distasteful, yet it appears in the show anyway. Perhaps the most offensive thing of all is that it's not even remotely funny, even though that was obviously its intention. Mary's admonition to Lucy to "shut up" comes far too late for my taste.

Dopey and his bride are walking to their bullshit premarital counseling session when PC stops outside RevCam's door and says that there's something she needs to tell Matt. He guesses that she's pregnant. Ew, that would mean that they've actually had sex! Well, maybe not, since after PC denies that she's pregnant, Dopey's next question is, "Am I pregnant?" I guess that's supposed to be a joke, but I sure wouldn't be surprised if Dopey's still a little hazy on the mechanics of sex and reproduction. PC tries to downplay the importance of her announcement, which is that even though she and her man agreed to have a small wedding, she now wants a large one. Dopey says doesn't care how many people she invites, as long as her father is paying for it. It all seems settled, until PC lets it slip that she and her mother have been planning this wedding for weeks. Dopey is peeved that she went ahead with that without discussing it with him first. That's understandable, and it should be easy enough to fix, but PC goes on the defensive instead, accusing Matt of not consulting her about his decision to not buy her an engagement ring. RevCam is hanging around his office door by now, eavesdropping and trying to lure the couple into his office for their counseling session. He expresses great surprise over the fact that Dopey's not planning to get his fiancée a ring. Okay, and just how would you expect Matt to pay for a ring? Isn't Dopey always talking about how he only has a few hundred dollars in savings? Everyone conveniently forgets that fact as the argument drags on and on and on. PC finally storms off, finally putting us viewers out of our misery.

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7th Heaven

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