7th Heaven
The Song Of Lucy

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The Crap Miner's Daughter

We open with a song. Like, a real song. Not some crap guitar strumming exercise, for once. Although this really isn't any better: it's "Coal Miner's Daughter," as sung by Beverley Mitchell, Future International Country Sensation. I know Brenda's still smarting over the significant loss (snicker) of Asslee, but why promote Beverley Mitchell as 7th Heaven's newest singing talent when they've got a whole teaspoonful of it in Mr. Stephen Collins? Anyway, Lucy is putting little baby clothes on a clothesline as the camera pulls back to reveal that she has, like, fifteen kids. And they're all blonde and blue-eyed. Hey, who says blonde hair and blue eyes are recessive genes? This is the show that brought us Ruthie the Genetically Impossible.

And just in case you thought that Lucy had given birth to fifteen children since last week (which is not an unreasonable assumption, giving this show's penchant for using the Continuity Bible only when they're out of toilet paper), it turns out that it was all a dream. Kevin's dream, apparently, as he's now groaning and turning over in bed. This wakes Lucy the Light Sleeper and she asks Kevin if he's okay; he looked like he was having a nightmare. Hell yeah, he was having a nightmare. And it's not cool that he shared it with us. My dreams traditionally stay Camden-free (except for a sex dream I had which featured RevCam. I now keep a small container of bleach on my bedside table, lest this happen again), and I'm much happier that way. Kevin says he's fine, and Lucy orders him to get her some steak and eggs. Does being pregnant make you unable to cook your own damn self?

This week's Opening Credits Timewaster is comparatively thrilling: RevCam cracks some eggs in a frying pan. Then he makes toast. Then he butters the toast. Then he goes back to the eggs, which have finished cooking -- not to mention scrambled themselves -- in less than a minute. RevCam's throwing them all onto plates as Simon comes downstairs. He rejects RevCam's offer of a hearty breakfast, choosing an individual bottle of juice instead. Simon snaps at RevCam for making him breakfast before his therapist appointment, like, at least he isn't ordering four breakfasts and making you pay for them like he did last episode, so show some appreciation, Simon. Simon reminds RevCam that just because he's going to a therapist doesn't mean he'll change his mind about anything. "I'm just happy to see you making an effort to see things my way," says RevCam. "Dad…" Simon says warningly. "Just kidding! Kind of," says RevCam. Oh good, another episode full of RevCam the Control Freak. Simon tells RevCam that his therapy is confidential. Silly Simon -- therapy's only confidential if your therapist isn't on your father's payroll. RevCam asks Simon about Georgia, since I guess he's got the hots for her now that Asslee's gone. Simon reports that he and Georgia broke up. "I'm sorry. I guess," says RevCam. Simon leaves in a justified huff.

Ruthie comes downstairs, and I guess she woke up late this morning because she didn't have enough time to iron out her curls. They look nice, by the way. She wants to talk to RevCam about a "really nice" guy she met in detention. But, she says, "everyone thinks he's a bad guy just because he goes to detention." Wait, is this high school we're talking about? Where getting detention actually makes you kind of cool? Ruthie says everyone thinks that she's a "bad girl" too, because of her detention and because of her many brothers and sisters. Yeah, I'll bet people are still talking about that Mary Camden and the time she assaulted the gym with toilet paper, leaving it unusable for whole minutes. RevCam asks Ruthie what she's trying to tell him. "I think I'm ready to date," she says. RevCam "humorously" almost drops his coffee cup. Too bad there was nothing in the coffee cup; I would have loved to see some boiling hot liquid come in contact with his crotch. And why is he so horrified? Wasn't Ruthie dating Peter all of last season? Didn't he go on vacation with them, and sleep over their house? Perhaps it was all a dream. RevCam offers Ruthie a brown-bag lunch, but she rejects it, saying she'll be buying lunch with her new detention buddy, Harry. Ruthie goes outside to wait for Martin.

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7th Heaven

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