We open on a sunny day at Glenoak Hospital. Reverend Eric Camden (who from this point forward will be referred to as RevCam, his imaginary Internet screen name) is sitting bedside with a Bible in his hands. With a concerned tone (and doused in reverb) he says, "Don't worry. It's all gonna be fine." Well, judging from that bit of subtle foreshadowing, I have a feeling that he's wrong. Jump-cut to the Camden Household, where RevCam and SuperMom (Annie) are relaxing with the babies and the Grandfolks, who have been on a "European Tour" (read: 7th Heaven budget cuts) for six months. Grandpa (or THE COLONEL, as he likes to be called) expresses his disappointment that his daughter, the RevCam's sister, Julie, can't make dinner this evening. He wants to meet the boyfriend (her husband, in actuality, played by none other than the great Ed Begley, Jr.), see what she's like when she's sober (you figure it out), blah blah blah crumbcakes. Of course, THE COLONEL isn't really up on the real situation (that his daughter is actually married and quite pregnant with a pre-marital child), and the Rev is worried that his moral code won't allow him to approve of the union. Any old cow, Matt and Simon enter, primarily to showcase Simon's new hairdon't, which looks kind of like a dead porcupine that was dipped in peroxide and then affixed upon Simon's head with a stapler. SuperMom looks a little freaked by the hair, but then Grandma Ruth pipes up, "Simon, your grandfather and I have been to a lot of places, and we've seen that individual freedoms are being lost right and left. So when it comes to George, we say yes whenever we can." Enter George, RevCam's adopted brother (what?), sporting an apparently brand new head of (fake) dreadlocks. Everyone in the room exchanges an "Oh, Alice" look, except George, whose face seems to say, "I got your individual freedom RIGHT HERE!"
Cut to the kitchen, where Lucy and Mary are lecturing Ruthie about not telling THE COLONEL that their Aunt Julie is pregnant and married, because it's the RevCam's job to break the bad news to him. Cut to Mr. Stupidhead's apartment, where he begins to cry uncontrollably because 55 minutes still remain in this episode. Back to Glenoak, where RevCam is sitting bedside yet again, telling whoever is in the bed, "Really, it's gonna be fine. It's all gonna be fine." I THINK WE GET IT (tm Sars).
Opening credits. Sars, let the Maalox games begin.
Could someone PLEASE erase the cartoon Col. Sanders? Please?