7th Heaven
The Tattle Tale Heart

Episode Report Card
Mr. Stupidhead: D | Grade It Now!
The Tattle Tale Heart

Melissa Joan Hart. Pantene. Jennifer Love Hewitt. Coca-Cola. What do all of these things have in common? They all like to waste my time.

So, up drives Superfly in his...oops. Actually, it's Matt "It was 'Killing,' but now it's 'Teaching'" Camden pulling up in The Penismobile. He bumps into his friend John, who is apparently looking at the same apartment as he [insert sound of hand thwacking forehead here]. Light banter about movin' out. Matt needs a job. John needs a car. Mr. Stupidhead needs a case of TUMS. Bangs and Hardbody in Matt's room, this time with floor plans drawn in crayon. Floor plans? Done in Crayon? Not? Enter SuperMom, who asks the girls what they think they are doing, to which they both reply with the theme from The Jeffersons. The only problem with this is that they are both white teenage girls, and thus have no flave. I am annoyed, but this is not news. Ruthie and Simon enter, both with plans of their own, and the whole thing gets very hectic. SuperMom looks vexed, and tells the kids that nobody's moving just yet. Here's what it boils down to: The kids are changing rooms, which I think represents the amount of change they are all about to experience in their exciting and pro-active lives. Not. Could that be more obvious? Ugh. SuperMom goes to dispense laundry to the children's rooms, and in the hallway she bumps into...

Ruth (no, not RuthIE, just Ruth), Bride of COLONEL, Mother of RevCam. Ruth proposes to SuperMom a shopping spree with Bangs and Hardbody (the Dynamic Duo), so she can "talk and shop" with them. Annie objects, because she knows if Grandma buys them enough crap, they'll blab about Aunt Julie. Enter the Dynamic Duo, who upon hearing about said shopping spree, chant in unison "Yeah, talk and shop, talk and shop..." You know what would make me happy? An entire episode where everybody speaks in unison. That wouldn't annoy me at all. Not. I would shoot myself. Anyhow, SuperMom has to think fast, so she stutters, "You can't. You're moving. I just decided." Dynamic Duo: "Now? We're moving into our rooms now?" Annie: "Go forth and tell everyone. You're moving!" Dynamic Duo: "Woo-hoo!" Grandma: "Annie, you're hiding something." Annie: "No not me. I'm not hiding anything at all. Nope, nothing at all. I'm just an open book!" I don't care about any of this.

Cut the Dynamic Duo discussing how they can find a job for Matt. Again. Matt's sisters are going to get him a job. I don't even know where to begin on that one. They decide that their new uncle Hank (hubby to Aunt Julie, star of Transylvania 65000) can get Matt a job at the hospital where he works. "Nepotism is the backbone of the American workforce," concludes Lucy. First, word. Second, shut up, Ruthie. Sorry, I just had that feeling again.

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7th Heaven




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