Chainsaws Don't Kill People; People Kill People
I wanted to recap this film for the sole purpose of seeing Mary Camden get slaughtered. I don't like horror films, generally, and I've never seen the original version of Massacre, even though in college I took a semester-long horror film theory class for which the movie must have been required viewing. I either skipped class that day or fell asleep before the movie even started, but the point is that I don't have anything to compare this updated version to, so don't expect any of that. Nor would it really matter, since Mary Camden's inevitable horrific death scene is sure to make this the best movie ever. Let the fun begin!
John Larroquette, an actor for whom I used to have a great deal more respect, greets us with a TERRIFYING voice-over about how the story we're about to see is true. Except we all know that it isn't. As he speaks, we see a montage of shots that are made ALL THE SCARIER by the fact that they've been Adobe After Effects-ed to look like old newsreel footage. John tells that something terrible happened to five teens thirty years ago. Thirteen hundred pieces of nasty-looking evidence were collected at the crime scene, the most damning being the footage we are about to see of the initial crime scene walk-through. A mustachioed officer leads us to the basement of the Hewitt residence, stopping to pay special attention to some scratch marks in the wall, the fingernails that made them still embedded in them. John's voice comes back and introduces us to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The "crime-scene footage" fades out, and a title card fades in along the sound of a woman screaming. That's cheesy.
The opening strains of "Sweet Home Alabama" play over shots of teenagers frolicking in a river. Courier font tells us that today is August 18, 1973. Now the teens are driving in a beat-up van. There's Jessica "Mary Camden" Biel in the passenger seat, filing her nails. In the back, two kids make out loudly. That's gross. Even grosser, Mary has now decided to sing along with Skynyrd. God, I hope she dies soon. Also, I feel the need to point out that "Sweet Home Alabama" wasn't even released until 1974's album Second Helping, so, unless Mary possesses some psychic abilities we haven't yet been made aware of, this film is stupid. Actually, if you really want to get down to it, Skynyrd's first album wasn't even released until September of 1973, making the entire premise of the film -- it is later revealed that the kids are on their way to a Skynyrd concert -- completely false. But let's not be like those people who point out that the gun Billy Zane fired at Leonardo DiCaprio is Titantic wasn't chronologically accurate; period pieces are always bound to contain some flaws of this nature. Just usually not as glaring as not knowing the release date of the two top-selling albums of a still-popular band. The nerd character of this movie (you can tell he's the nerd because he's wearing glasses, and he's looking disapprovingly, yet also jealously, at the make-out couple) asks if someone could please shut Mary the hell up, thus endearing himself to me. The driver of the car, one Eric "Eddie" Balfour, tells Mary that she has a beautiful voice. I guess it's better than her mother's.