7th Heaven
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Episode Report Card
Sara M: D+ | Grade It Now!
Chainsaws Don't Kill People; People Kill People

Outside the van, the girls scream and cry while the men try to remain strong. Well, except for Nerd, who yells that they never should have picked that girl up. Mary says that Anne needed help. Nerd retorts that she didn't get much from them. Pepper is all, "I don't understand…why did she have to pick us?" Then she cries and Mary hugs her. I can understand Pepper's reaction, but if I were in that situation, I think I'd be running around in circles screaming, "Augghh!!! Fuck!!! Aughhh!!!!" for a couple more hours before I entered the self-pity stage of the grieving process.

In a manly display of anger, Eddie grabs a bottle from the van and throws it off-camera. The resulting bottle-smashing sound effect this action produces is ridiculous, and it makes me laugh. I haven't been able to listen to a glass-smashing sound effect without giggling since Wet Hot American Summer. Eddie suggests calling the police; Nerd thinks that's a bad idea since there are two pounds of marijuana del México stashed in the crime scene. Eddie solves this problem by throwing the weed (which is stashed in a piñata, of course) into a nearby field. A grazing cow reacts to her early birthday present with a "moo." Now that the truth is finally out that her boyfriend is a drug dealer, Mary needs some time to sulk. Eddie walks over and tells her that he did it so they could "start a life" together. He does not add that Mary needs to get over this right now, since they've got bigger problems to deal with. Like the inside of the van, where blood is loudly and disgustingly dripping from the ceiling. Pepper states definitively that there's "no possible way" she's getting back in the van…

…which means the next shot is of the van roaring down the highway. Pepper sprays some Febreze or its early-'70s equivalent around the place, like, isn't her problem more the BLOODY CORPSE HANGING OUT IN THE BACK SEAT than it is Nerd's body odor problem? Make-out Boy studies the body and says he guesses that "this is what brains look like." Yes, Make-out Boy, savor whatever moments you share with someone else's brains, since you certainly aren't sharing any with your own. We see that someone at least had the decency to cover Anne's head, or the remnants thereof, with a newspaper, although there may have been the more selfish motivation behind that of not having to see a half-blown-off face. Eddie says they won't be picking up any more hitchhikers in the future. I'm not sure which hitcher he's more upset they picked up: suicidal Anne, or irritating, whiny, awful Pepper. Both options seem equally horrible to me.

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7th Heaven




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