7th Heaven
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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Sara M: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Chainsaws Don't Kill People; People Kill People

The van pulls up to a mill, and the teens get out. No sheriff is waiting for them. The group begins to lose patience. It's about damn time; I would have just left Anne at the gas station when I heard the sheriff couldn't be bothered to meet me there. The guys want to just dump the girl and leave, but the girls, for some reason, think it's wrong to dump a human on the side of the road "like a piece of trash." This makes Eddie the deciding vote, and since he's whipped, he sides with his girlfriend. The teens explore the mill to find a bunch of scary-looking dolls tacked up on the wall. That would have been all I needed to see to decide that hanging around this mill wasn't such a good idea, but the kids decide to investigate further. A dark figure runs by the doorway, and Mary follows it because she's stupid. Then she hears a noise and screams, but I have no sympathy because this is really all her own fault. If she had just tossed dead Anne out the window and gone to the concert, she could be waving a lighter to "Freebird" right now. The rest of the group run up to assist her, only to find that she was terrified by a possum. They laugh at Mary's lameness. Then they hear another noise, and locate its source: an ugly boy sitting in the shadows. He asks them what they "did" to Anne. Nerd says she did that to herself.

They bring the boy outside. He has trouble talking because the make-up department stuck fake "hick" teeth in his mouth, but is eventually able to relay that the sheriff is probably "home getting drunk." He tells them where the sheriff's home is, adding that it can only be reached on foot. Shouldn't the sheriff of the town make himself slightly more accessible? Because Eddie and Mary are stupid, they don't consider this fact and decide to go visit the sheriff. Back at the van, Boy quickly makes a nuisance out of himself by poking Anne with a stick. The remaining teens yell at him, so he runs away.

Mary and Eddie walk through a SPOOKY forest filled with the old suitcases and shoes that Mary and Eddie don't notice even though they're sitting in plain sight. The two finally reach the sheriff's house, a dilapidated plantation-style place that is obviously full of homicidal maniacs. They hammer at the door until a gruff voice answers them. Its owner comes out in a wheelchair, his inability to walk seemingly due to the fact that he doesn't have legs. He says he's not the sheriff and that the sheriff doesn't even live there, but they are free to use his phone to call him. He lets Mary come in the house, but not Eddie. Wheelchair dials the sheriff's phone number and hands the phone to Mary.

The sheriff pulls up to the mill, looking pissed off. He greets the kids by spitting at them, investigates the large bullet hole in the van's windshield, and guesses that the body's probably somewhere inside the van. And with that, he's proven to be in possession of better deductive reasoning skills then anyone else in this movie.

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7th Heaven

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