7th Heaven
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Episode Report Card
Sara M: D+ | Grade It Now!
Chainsaws Don't Kill People; People Kill People

Mary's still on the phone. "Thirty minutes? Thanks, I'll be there," she says, and hangs up. She thanks Wheelchair for the use of his phone, and he calls out to her from somewhere inside the house that he needs "help." Mary finds him sitting on the bathroom floor emptying his colostomy bag into the toilet. There's also some goopy orange liquid running out of the sink, but I think that was just there for atmosphere. Either that, or Wheelchair found a way to do what the rest of us can only dream of: have his pipes run tomato soup instead of water. Wheelchair asks Mary to help him get back in the chair. She's so busy doing so that she doesn't notice a shadowy figure running by the bathroom door. How many freaking shadowy figures are we going to see in this stupid movie before something actually happens?

Meanwhile, Eddie's getting bored, so he enters the house.

Sheriff continues his expert search of the crime scene, asking Make-out Boy to "get the fuck out of [his] way" so he can check out the inside of the van. He sees the body and inspects the suicide weapon. Then he sticks it in his boot. Well, that's a good way to lose a toe.

Inside the bathroom, Mary struggles to get Wheelchair back in his chair. Wheelchair takes advantage of his position and alternately grabs and runs his hand over Mary's ass. I'll bet Jessica Biel was feeling pretty good about her decision to leave family-oriented television when she shot this scene.

Eddie wanders around the living room, where he sees three pigs. He walks into what I guess is the hobby room, where there's an old sewing machine and a working phonograph. Because antiques are SCARY! Eddie opens a door and sees a black-and-white television playing cartoons. He bends over to pick something up from the floor, only to have a guy come up behind him and chop him with what looks like an axe. Blood splatters across the television. Eddie's attacker drags Eddie into another room and slides a metal door shut -- but not before we see that this must be the famous Leatherface. The noise alerts Mary, and she abandons Wheelchair to investigate.

With reluctant assistance of Make-out Boy, Sheriff uses Saran Wrap to preserve the body. I wonder if they know about this technique in Vegas. Instead of whistling while he works, Sheriff tells stories about being a young patrolman and "feeling up" the prettier dead bodies. Sheriff notices that the girl's "a little wet down there," and makes some crude remarks that I don't care to repeat here.

Mary searches for her boyfriend, but all she finds is a peephole in the middle of a wall. She doesn't seem to find anything odd about it, and goes on her way until Wheelchair, who's somehow managed to get himself back into his chair without Mary's assistance, wheels up and orders Mary to leave. She does, and looks for Eddie outside.

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7th Heaven




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