7th Heaven
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Episode Report Card
Sara M: D+ | Grade It Now!
Chainsaws Don't Kill People; People Kill People

Mary and Andy head for the house, because Mary "knows" Eddie's in there. Wheelchair is sitting in front yard, having managed to maneuver his way down a rickety set of stairs the same way he got himself back in that wheelchair in the bathroom: through the power of careless script writing. Andy tells Mary to distract Wheelchair so he can sneak into the house. Their plan is a success and Andy, armed with a tire-iron, goes about searching the house for Eddie. Mary starts running out of things to say to Wheelchair, so she compliments his garden, which, as we see, doesn't actually much exist. This offends Wheelchair, so he pulls out a gun and shoots Mary and she dies. Okay, no, but I'm sure her death scene will be coming soon and I can't wait.

Inside the house, Andy finds a room with pantyhose hanging from the ceiling and live pigs hanging out. I'm starting to think that pigs just might be symbolic in this movie. Andy sees a refrigerator and opens it, apparently thinking that Eddie's pulling a Cherie from Punky Brewster and hiding in there. We get a shot through the back of the fridge of Andy looking around. He rejects OJ, soda, and purple stuff in favor of Sunny D, then goes outside and skateboards awesomely (and safely!) while rockin' electric guitar music plays. In the actual movie, Andy finds the fridge Eddie-less and closes it, managing to jostle the fridge so much that a big box falls off of it. It lands loudly, and Mary hears it and runs into the house. She finds Andy, who's fine. Wheelchair enters right behind Mary, which is perfectly reasonable especially when you consider that he doesn't have legs and the house doesn't have a wheelchair ramp, and proceeds to yell at them for breaking into his house. Then he challenges Andy to a fight. "Bring it!" he shouts, banging his cane on the floor. Wait -- he doesn't have legs. What possible use could he have for a cane? Oh, that's right -- because it comes in handy in about five seconds.

Suddenly, the wall behind Mary and Andy slides open to reveal Leatherface, who revs up his chainsaw and gets ready for action. Yeah, Leatherface! Go for the girl first! She's slower and weaker! Wheelchair trips Andy and Mary up with his plot-contrivance cane, and they fall over. Mary kicks a wooden door closed to keep Leatherface out, which it does for all of two seconds. Andy wastes precious seconds trying to pick his tire iron up from off of the floor, which even Mary knows is incredibly stupid, so she abandons him and gets the hell out of the house. This leaves Andy alone to fend off the chainsaw-wielding maniac with his precious tire iron, which he manages to do well enough to get out of the house. Leatherface follows, showing a remarkable amount of finesse when it comes to turning around in tight space with a chainsaw. I'm sure he's had some practice, though.

Outside, Andy stupidly runs right into a maze of sheets drying in the sun. Leatherface is right behind him. Andy gets lost and confused in the sheets, which gets Leatherface close enough to cut off his leg. Andy writhes on the ground in agony until Leatherface picks up him in a fireman's carry and walks towards the house. I don't know why Andy's so upset about losing a limb; in this movie, people without legs can do everything that people with legs can do, even if it's physically impossible!

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7th Heaven




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