7th Heaven
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Episode Report Card
Sara M: D+ | Grade It Now!
Chainsaws Don't Kill People; People Kill People

Mary whines and whimpers as she runs through the Forest of Doom, but I don't know what she's complaining about, as all her limbs are still attached to her body.

Leatherface carries Andy into the basement. Andy screams and scratches at the walls, getting his fingernail ripped off. Just in case you didn't remember that from earlier in the film, it's shown in slow-motion in a disgusting close-up.

Night falls on Texas. Pepper and Nerd have been spending the last few chainsaw-free hours cleaning out the van. Mary runs in and tries to start the van, which, of course, is unresponsive. "Shit! FUCK!" screams Mary. I found that enjoyable. Suddenly, the sheriff comes to the window, and Mary's all grateful. She tells him that there's a man with a chainsaw on the loose, but Sheriff isn't paying attention to her: he just noticed a joint on the van's dashboard. "It's not mine," Nerd says. He's really starting to lose all the points he gained when he told Mary to shut up. Sheriff hauls everyone out of the van and makes them lie on the ground.

Leatherface picks Andy up from the floor and sticks him on a meat hook. That looks painful. Andy whimpers. Leatherface sticks what appears to be salt on Andy's new leg stump and ties it off. Um, I guess he's trying to help?

Sheriff looks at the kids' IDs while they lie on the ground. Mary cries a lot and tries to report an attempted murder. Sheriff says he knows what's going on; Eddie shot Anne while he was all hopped up on goofballs. When Mary tries to get up and yell at him for saying that, he shoots his gun into the dirt near her face. This sets stupid old Pepper off, like, thanks a lot, Sheriff. This movie definitely needed more wailing Pepper. Sheriff throws Nerd against the van and orders him to "show" him exactly what happened in the van.

Leatherface sits down to his latest arts and crafts project: a realistic face mask. Don't be too impressed, because Leatherface is totally cheating by making the mask out of actual human face. Eddie's face, to be exact. Leatherface takes off his old mask to reveal what his face really looks like. I guess it's supposed to be scary, but it really doesn't look that bad, besides the fact that the guy's nose is missing.

Inside the van, Sheriff tells Nerd to sit on the exact same spot where Anne did. Nerd moves brain matter and hair out of the way and does so. Sheriff pulls out the suicide gun and asks Nerd to demonstrate exactly how Anne shot herself in the face. Nerd tries to lie that Anne shot herself from under her chin, but Sheriff isn't buying it. He makes Nerd put the gun in his mouth and put his finger on the trigger. At this point, Nerd is fairly upset.

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7th Heaven




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