7th Heaven
The Tribes That Bind

Episode Report Card
Sara M: B | Grade It Now!
Racism With a Side of Spying

Annie makes her way to the freezer section and tries to lift a huge carton of multi-colored sherbet into her cart. Suddenly, a female member of RevCam's parish, who has been referred to here as "Mrs. Poole" but who I remember most fondly as annoying neighbor Harriet's mother on Small Wonder, starts scolding Annie not to lift heavy things for fear that it will induce labor. Annie says she wouldn't really mind going into premature labor, like, way to care about what that could do to your babies, Annie. Not to mention the psychological damage that would no doubt be inflicted on the supermarket patrons and employees unfortunate enough to listen to Annie's labor groans or see Annie's labor face. Mrs. Poole says that Annie can't go into labor until after her baby shower. Which is tomorrow. And is being held in the CamPound. Annie's all, "Wha??" Apparently, being pregnant makes women lose their spines, too, because Annie doesn't tell Mrs. Poole it's freaking rude to plan a party at someone else's house without permission. Mrs. Poole takes off. "Oh, hell!" Annie says, and wow, people on this show used to sound almost normal. God gets back at Annie for cursing when she tries to rest against the freezer case, only to "humorously" fall into it and not-so-humorously expose the twins to freezing temperatures. Which explains a lot.

7th Heaven
When I see Matt's greasy hair shining back at me.
7th Heaven
I know that we're back in 1999 with Season Three.
Check out this shooooooow!
Before Mary posed for Gear.
SamVid's in uterooooooooo!
And Asslee was never here.
7th Heaven.

Even in the early seasons, before one would assume the writers hadn't totally burnt out, the Opening Credits Timewaster still sucks ass. We see various Camdens pacing, going down stairs, walking to a couch, and sitting. Except that, to make this even less interesting, all we see are people's feet. After a while, they start kicking each other, which was almost exciting, but what is up with Mary's manly combat boots? Not to mention her decision to pair white gym socks with black pants. Ugh. Opening credits completed, RevCam can address the crowd. He's using this time, while Annie's off at the grocery store getting stuck in display cases, to organize the kids for the pre- and post-baby madness. Matt will take care of cooking dinner and washing baby bottles. Everyone groans, as I guess bottle-washing is a coveted task. RevCam tells Matt to make sure that the dinners "feature more than one color," like, what? Matt has to cook meals that are aesthetically pleasing as well as edible? I think that's asking too much of a teenage boy. That's asking too much of me, even. Mary is in charge of carpools and other "miscellaneous transportation." RevCam wonders where Lucy is, to which Simon explains to his dumbass father that she's at Camp All By Myself, where RevCam dropped her off only a few hours ago. RevCam says that she'll be in charge of packing lunches upon her return. Simon will set the table for breakfast, and then clean it up. RevCam then turns to Ruthie and wisely decides against assigning her any task that would bring her anywhere near the babies, so she gets to "water the plants." Hmm...Ruthie and a watering can? I predict ten twin-drowning attempts before their first week in the CamPound. Matt asks what RevCam and Annie will be doing. Well, Annie will be in charge of Giving Birth and RevCam will be heading Team Delegate Responsibility, Then Take a Nap.

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7th Heaven




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