7th Heaven
There’s No Place Like It

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For Stale By Owner

I just spent my month away from the Camdens buying new stuff to make my time with them as enjoyable as possible. So this week's recap comes to you from the comfort of my new desk chair, has been typed on my fast new computer, and was recorded on my fabulous new TiVo. And I'll be drinking from a new fifth of vodka.

We open in the CamKitchen. Annie demands to know why her alarm didn't wake her up. RevCam says he turned it off so he could make Annie breakfast in bed. I thought it had been clearly established that RevCam has neither the desire, nor the ability, to cook, but whatever. Instead of being happy that her husband still does romantic things for her after so many years of marriage, Annie gets all angry and asks why RevCam would do such a thing for her. I bet he's wondering that right about now, too. Martin and Asslee look on from the table, and what the hell is Asslee even doing there this early in the morning? What a loser.

Anyway, Annie says she wanted to make breakfast for Kevin and Lucy because they're about to make the rather mature adult decision to buy a house, so why shouldn't they start their day off by having Mommy make them breakfast? Martin says Kevin and Lucy already left. Ruthie bounds downstairs just in time to add her two cents, except I'm not listening to what they are because her outfit is distractingly ugly. It's a brown zip-up hoodie with orange and white stripes across the chest, which would be fine except that it's being worn over a lime green T-shirt. Awful.

Ruthie hints not-too-subtly that she wants the Treehouse when Kevin and Lucy move out. Annie says Ruthie's too young for her own apartment, especially one as shoddily built as the Treehouse. Ruthie responds with the ridiculous logic that her being the oldest Camden still living at home automatically entitles her to whatever sleeping arrangements she desires. RevCam steps in and says that they haven't thought about what's going to happen to the apartment. Ruthie narrows her eyes and says she knows what will happen, then pointedly glares at Martin as sad music plays. Because it's sad when people glare at the children of our servicemen who are serving in Iraq, I guess.

Lucy and Kevin are sitting in some old guy's kitchen having coffee while Lucy gushes about how lucky she is to have not only found a house so close to her parents, but also one that she grew up near. I guess Everybody Loves Raymond is considered too racy for the Camdens to watch, otherwise Lucy would know just how wrong she is. She tells old Mr. Suds (I have no idea what his name is, since it was pronounced differently by each character. "Suds" is what I thought it was first, and so "Suds" it shall remain) that she remembers he gave out the best Halloween candy -- candy corn and wax lips. That sounds like the suckiest Halloween candy to me, but maybe Lucy likes wax lips so much because, when she puts them in her mouth, she gets a rare glimpse of what her face would look like had she been born with actual lips.

Mr. Suds says the only thing he remembers about Halloween is the "little hoodlums" who "soaped" his windows. I guess they don't sell eggs in Glenoak. Maybe if he got a clue and started giving out Snickers bars, that wouldn't happen. Lucy claims no responsibility for the window-soaping, and promises to carry on the Suds tradition of wax lips and candy corn for Halloween. Suds says that he'd love to sell the house to her, causing Lucy to literally squeal with delight and my eardrums to burst. Suds brings Lucy back down when he says that someone else has already put in a bid on the house. Lucy tries to convince Suds that he should sell the house to her instead, since he knows her, and that she will take good care of his house. Suds says he doesn't really care about anything except selling his house for the asking price. Lucy offers to pay more for the house. Kevin speaks up for the first time this scene to say that the house isn't worth any more than the asking price. Lucy begs him, so he says they'll pay five hundred dollars more. Lucy tells Suds that they can do better than that.

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7th Heaven




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