7th Heaven
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Episode Report Card
Cate: C | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Bitch, bitch, bitch

I want to start off by saying that there is not a single character on this show that I would not slap joyfully across the face. Thank you. Thank you for letting me get that off my chest. And now on with the recap.

John and Matt are outside, having some convoluted discussion about Heather. Dopey's in a tizzy because Heather has left him a note saying she wishes to speak to him. Being the presumptuous, moronic twit that we all know he is, Matt automatically assumes that Heather wants to get back together with him. Yeah, that's it, Dopey, she can't get enough of your grimy hair and sparkling conversation. John is harassing Matt, who wants to stay home and wait for Heather to come back but doesn't want anyone to know that's what he's doing. John convinces Dopey to get behind the wheel of some sort of vintage convertible while John gets in the back seat. The convertible belongs to John's uncle, so why Dopey would be driving it is a mystery. I missed the first few seconds of the show, so maybe they explained it then. Somehow I doubt it, though. Before Matt starts driving, we get an endless close-up of him loading up a CD. Hey, it's just like watching The Truman Show! Except when I was watching The Truman Show, I didn't feel like crying tears of despair over the dialogue and plot. Anyway, since someone went to such effort to product-place the CD, I'll help out by mentioning that it's Riding With the King by B.B. King and Eric Clapton. Now I'll just try to forget that, though, since I really like both musicians and would rather not associate them mentally with this show in any way. Oh, wait a second. I just figured out why Dopey's driving. Gwen pointed out that on cover of the Riding With the King CD, Eric's driving while B.B. lounges in the back seat. Wow, isn't that clever how they copied it on the show? It's a good thing the cover just had a black guy and a white guy on it. If there'd been, say, an Asian guy too, the producers would have had to scramble to find an Asian character. Or maybe they would have been even more offensive and just brought back that older Japanese woman from the interment camp episode last season. So anyway, Dopey drives along while John air-drums in the back seat. That's cool, as far as I'm concerned. Less dialogue. I hope the choice of title track from Riding With the King isn't supposed to refer to Dopey in any way. Because I don't think there's any such title as King of the Losers, is there?

Dopey's not concentrating so hard on his driving that he can't keep an eye out for situations in which he can meddle. Why, there's one now! Okay, I can't legitimately claim I know much about teen fashion or current music or even slang more recent than 1990. Really, I can't. But even I know that the sight of Simon wearing baggy, baggy pants and a big chain necklace, while hanging around a street corner with a bunch of other clean-cut-looking kids who are shuffling their feet and listening to music that kind of sounds like Eminem, is not cause for fear or shock. No, it is cause for profuse and sustained guffawing. Ow, my stomach hurts now. You know, maybe my disbelief has something to do with the fact that I live in Canada, and while there's a group of teens who dress like Simon's little buddies and listen to Eminem and hang around my apartment building, they're always holding the door open for me and offering to press the elevator button for my floor when my hands are full of bags. Ooh, scary, huh? Naw, it's probably more that Simon's friends look totally harmless and unscary. So Dopey stops the car and gets out to drag Grandmaster S away from his homies. After Dopey and Simon ask each other what's wrong, Dopey says, "When did you start hanging out with guys like that?" He points to Simon's little gang. I suspect the director told the guys to look "tough." The look they come up with, though, is more of a "perplexed." Maybe the director actually asked them to figure out the atomic weight of chromium. It doesn't help that the ringleader kid is sporting goofy, badly spiked hair and a big bandanna headband that makes it look like he got lost en route to a Flashdance audition. Simon says he's just listening to some rap with his friends. Of course, he looks over at the token black cast member, John, who refuses to back him up. John adds that the music Simon is listening to is a "perversion of rap." Dopey tries to get Grandmaster S into the car, but Simon just tells him to mind his own business and walks away.

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7th Heaven

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