7th Heaven
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Cate: C | 1 USERS: A+
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Bitch, bitch, bitch

Opening credits. Yup, there's RevCam dancing with the tin cans in front of his eyes. Is someone deliberately trying to piss me off? Oh no, I can't worry about that now. I have to rewind the tape because...because...it's vomity Robbie, and he's not just a guest star -- he's in the opening credits! Oh, I knew I might get punished for some of the cheaper shots I've taken at this show, but I never dreamed the punishment would be this awful!

Dopey and John pull up in front of their Swingin' Bachelor Pad. Matt hurries out of the car and starts walking toward the building. Then he comes back and opens the door to let John out of the car. See, it's a two-door car, and even though it's a convertible, John couldn't just crawl over the door. I don't know, I didn't understand that either. John and Dopey talk about how Simon is trying to find his niche and be cool. Dopey opines that Simon will never find a woman who will like him if he's "blasting music that talks about beating women." That's weird -- for once, I agree with Dopey. John informs us of his plans for the rest of the day. Dopey spaces out and completely ignores him. John reclaims the Dopester's attention by asking him a question about himself -- something to do with whether Matt is going to hang around waiting for Heather. I decide to completely ignore them until John leaves. Dopey starts folding some laundry. There is a knock at the door. For some unexplained reason, this sends Dopey into a rage. Instead of answering the door, which is about three feet away, he calls out, with great exasperation, "Who is it?"

It is Eric, who replies, in falsetto, "Pants." Dopey says, "Pants who?" Oh, great, it's like a knock-knock joke. I haven't heard a good one of those in, well, ever. Maybe this one will break the pattern. Are you ready for the punchline? I hope you're sitting down and not drinking anything at the moment, because this might be really, really funny. Ready? Okay, then RevCam says, "Pants Daddy." Wait a second, that's the spot where the punchline belongs. Why are they saying stupid shit like "Pants Daddy"? That doesn't even make sense! Not only do they attempt to serve us the half-witted skeleton in the closet of the joke world, the knock-knock joke, but they can't even get that right? My disgust knows no limits. Ugh. I'm glad I've got all that disgust handy, because I'll be needing it when I see that Eric has brought over some dress pants that he calls "big-boy pants." Hey, that would make a passable name for a porno movie, wouldn't it? SuperMom has been shopping for pants, nothing but pants, for the entire family. Isn't there some neurological disorder that makes you want to do that? I thought I read about it in one of Oliver Sacks's books. So Annie thinks Dopey needs some dress pants to wear out on dates. I am so glad my mother has never taken such an active interest in my love life. Dopey appears to have some neurological disorder of his own, one which makes him fantasize that Heather actually wants him and then go on and on about that to RevCam. When he's done with that theme, Dopey warns Eric about Simon's new dangerous friends and bad taste in music. A totally disjointed conversation results. I suspect the longed-for effect is "funny." If you've been watching this show for any length of time, you won't be surprised that it falls far short of that mark. Either this scene has been edited to shit by a highly unskilled editor, or some writer snorted an entire gram of coke about one minute before hammering out the dialogue. Once the sad supply of "jokes" has been exhausted, Dopey hustles his dad out the door rudely. RevCam leaves right after saying, "I'll see you in church." It almost seems like there's a note of sarcasm in Stephen Collins's voice. Maybe it's his way of paying back whoever made him say his next line, the incredibly stupid one where he asks Dopey if he's waiting around for Heather to come by. Just shut up already with that fucked-up excuse for a plot! I don't know how much more of that I can take. If we're all lucky, maybe Heather's been hit by a bus and she won't even be coming over.

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7th Heaven

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