7th Heaven
Two Weddings, An Engagement, And A Funeral

Episode Report Card
2 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
Li'l Orphan Annie

We open on Mrs. Bink and Fred telling Chandler that they want to spend "whatever time [they] have left" together as a married couple. "With or without you, if you catch my drift!" Mrs. Bink says to Chandler. I did not catch her drift. And I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to. Chandler says they can consider themselves "counseled," and the loving couple departs.

Annie seems to have borrowed some hair-care tips from Sara Sidle, although in this case, it's an improvement. She gets off the phone with Lily and announces that her sister is getting married, and she wants to do it at RevCam's church with him officiating. RevCam, busily toweling off a dish (those dishes must be rubbed raw at this point -- how many times have we seen characters drying dishes on this show?), says that's swell. But wait -- no it isn't. Selfish bitch Lily wants her father to walk her down the aisle. Annie says that he's in no condition to do that -- he can barely walk down the hall to use the bathroom. That hasn't stopped SamVid from being included in a wedding party. "Why would she do this?" Annie demands, then walks away before RevCam can answer.

A retarded person walks into Chandler's office. I'm starting to think that Glenoak has a lot more retarded people per capita than the national average. "Pat!" Chandler says. "What are you doing out so late?" Why are you working so late, Chandler? RevCam's off drying dishes in the comfort of his own home and you're doing all his paperwork again, you loser. Also, how appropriate that this character's name is Pat, as he or she bears a remarkable similarity to the Saturday Night Live character of the same name, as you can tell by my not knowing which gender pronoun to use. Anyway, Pat wants to get married. It's in love, and it wants Chandler to marry them. Chandler says that's great, in the way that people talk to retarded or crazy people to appease them. Pat says her husband-to-be is really nice, and she just met him last night. Whoops! The Piano of Wacky Retarded Hijinks plays us to the theme song.

A title card pops up that reads "Mrs. Bink and Fred." What the hell is this? Hasn't 7th Heaven employed enough kooky gimmick shows this season already? The Guitar of Seventy Million Guest Stars plays as Chandler does an Opening Credits Timewaster dance, running around his office and packing up his books and papers. RevCam comes in and watches. And watches. And…uh…watches. Like, leaning against the doorframe with a little smile on his face, his eyes decidedly aimed at Chandler's butt, his neck craning for a better view. Chandler finally notices his creepy boss and asks what he thinks he's doing. "Reminiscing," RevCam says, because I guess that's what they're calling it these days. Chandler is nervous about marrying his first couple -- he doesn't want to mess it up. RevCam has some advice: it won't go smoothly, he can't be prepared, and something's inevitably going to mess it up. Um, that's terrible advice, and I hope RevCam doesn't go around telling brides- and grooms-to-be that the odds are that he'll screw up their wedding something fierce. Maybe that's why we haven't seen him working in a while. Chandler says nothing is going to mess up this wedding. RevCam says he's in denial, and that he's "only a phone call away." Yeah, Chandler, or he's behind you, watching your ass move in those Dockers, so watch out! RevCam leaves, because he's spent five minutes at work, and that's enough for the rest of the season.

In the hall, he passes an old lady who looks more like Norman Bates's interpretation of his mother than an actual old lady. She asks for "Reverend Hampton." "Oh, yes, she's right behind the camera, the one with a gun trained on me so that I deliver my lines with something resembling sincerity," RevCam answers. No, she meant Chandler Hampton, not Brenda Hampton. In that case, he's in the office.

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7th Heaven

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