7th Heaven
Two Weddings, An Engagement, And A Funeral

Episode Report Card
Li'l Orphan Annie

Non-side-wipe (!) to Fred sitting in the CamVan, surrounded by the menfolk, worrying that the elopement won't go off as planned. Fred doesn't think that Mrs. Bink even loves him anymore, after he "cried" in front of her. RevCam's all, "Oh, come on, man, we've all cried in front of women before!" And then there's an awkward silence, because apparently none of the other men possess tear ducts. "I'm the only one?" RevCam asks, suddenly ashamed. Then he dispenses some terrible-ass "wisdom" about how if you want to get married, and family is an obstacle, you should just get married, and remove the obstacle. Martin wakes up and asks what he's doing here. Last thing he remembers was waking off the set of Road to Perdition when a middle-aged blonde lady walked up to him carrying a strange-smelling rag and a large burlap sack. Peter exposits the situation. Martin is still confused. RevCam exposits, again -- they're eloping, "with a twist." I guess the twist is taking your family and some other neighborhood children out in the middle of the night and forcing them force someone else to get married. Your family, that is, except for your helpless and defenseless five-year-old sons, who I can only assume are sleeping back at the CamPound with Happy as their baby-sitter, because they're certainly not in this scene.

Mrs. Bink and the girls exit the house. Somehow, Mrs. Bink had time to pack a suitcase, but not to change out of her pajamas. Fred, who did have time to change into a nice suit, greets her. As the rest of the Camdens position themselves about the van for the best angle with which to spy on Fred and Mrs. Bink, she says that she didn't want him to see her "like this" until their wedding night. Oh, ew. Mrs. Bink asks Fred if he can stop being such a baby about his family; he says he realizes that his kids are only concerned about his money, and his mother "is old." So maybe they can just get married and not tell her. Mrs. Bink pretends to be upset that she won't be able to participate in family events, but then says that Fred has a deal. Then she calls him a "stud" and they make out. The editors blessedly cut away from that to the Camdens, watching and smiling. I think I'd rather see the old people sex, actually.

Side-wipe to the wedding. RevCam is Fred's best man, and Annie is Mrs. Bink's matron of honor. Chandler pronounces them husband and wife, and they make out again. Everyone applauds and does a terrible version of some song a cappella. I guess we'll never find out what Mrs. Bink's first name is, but I'll bet it begins with a "B."

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7th Heaven




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