7th Heaven
When Bad Conversations Happen To Good People

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Bad Happens

And we're back from mid-season hiatus. You know, in my month away from Asslee, Annie, and whoever else is hiding in the CamPound these days, I think I might have missed them. Hearing the familiar strains of the "Blackbird" rip-off guitar solo as we open on an establishing shot of the CamPound is almost…well, it's almost comforting. And then we see Matt sleeping in a t-shirt and boxer shorts next to a nasty old half-eaten pizza. Richard Lewis comes on and talks nonsense for a while and -- oh, there it is -- that almost ever-present feeling of eagerly awaiting the next hiatus sets in once again. Matt wakes up, and looks about as shocked and upset as you would expect someone to be if he woke up next to Richard Lewis. I imagine this has become a morning ritual for his girlfriend. Matt interrupts Richard's rambling about how the Crusades were really about Italian food to ask him how he managed to get in the house. Richard explains that he snuck in through an unlocked door, as most people enter the CamPound these days. Richard lectures that the Camdens should really lock their house up, lest someone undesirable "slithers" in. True that -- the last thing I would ever want is for Richard Lewis to break into my house and do his "comedy" "routine" and bore me to death. Anyway, Richard actually decides to read his lines and tells Matt he knows what happened between him and PC. Then he tries to talk about pizza again, like, shut the fuck up about the fucking pizza already, Richard. God, one paragraph into this and I'm already swearing. Matt asks him what PC told him. Richard says that his daughter told him that the marriage was over and not to get involved, a demand he's taking very seriously by inviting Matt to breakfast so they can talk about saving his marriage. Matt grudgingly accepts the invitation, and Richard hands him a pair of pants. Behind Richard, we see that the Camdens own a set of World Book encyclopedias from the 1950s. My family used to have those! They're great, unless you want to know anything about space travel or personal computers.

RevCam and Annie are standing at the bottom of the kitchen stairs, bouncing around giddily. I think Annie accidentally brewed the caffeinated coffee instead of the usual decaf. SamVid run in and beg for their parents' attention, but don't get it. Lucy and Kevin, wearing bathrobes, let themselves into the house and join the group at the bottom of the stairs. Oh, shit, this episode was penned by the talentless hand of Brenda Hampton, so it's going to suck extra hard. The group hears someone come downstairs and gets all excited. When they see it's just Ruthie, they all sigh disappointedly. Ha! Ruthie seems surprised by this reaction, although I bet she gets it just about every time she enters a room that isn't filled with Camdens or members of their fan club. Ruthie asks the small crowd if they have better things to do, and they all look at their watches in unison and scatter. Yeah, that was funny. Now let us never see people acting or speaking in unison on this show ever again, please. The twins have nowhere to be, so they offer to make Ruthie breakfast, as they now have their own kitchen cabinet in which to hoard various food items. It's all part of their evil plan. First they will take over the kitchen cabinetry, then the CamPound, and then: the world. They offer Ruthie an orange and a banana, which she rudely rejects because she hates them. She suggests that they go to Matt's room and offer him some breakfast, and they leave.

Ruthie reaches into a cabinet and grabs a bowl. Then she "drops" it on a nearby cookie jar, which we get to see explode upon impact in slow-motion, which was pretty cool. Ruthie grabs a paper bag and shovels the cookie jar pieces into it, just as SamVid come back downstairs to report that Matt is not in his room. Ruthie suggests looking for him in the bathroom. They do, passing by Annie, who's on her way down. Oh my god, is Annie wearing a housecoat? I thought they stopped making those twenty years ago! Seriously, though, Catherine Hicks better start dieting before even worse wardrobe catastrophes are wreaked upon her. A housecoat is just one small step away from a muumuu, you know. Ruthie shoves the paper bag full o' cookie jar into SamVid's food storage facility. Annie and Ruthie exchange some awkward conversation, then Ruthie leaves for school, saying she has to go in early to spend some time in the library. What a loser! SamVid come back down and report that Matt is nowhere to be found. Annie makes a face.

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7th Heaven




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