7th Heaven
When Bad Conversations Happen To Good People

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Bad Happens

Lucy storms through the kitchen and out the door, where she runs into Asslee and Martin. Martin asks if RevCam's home. Lucy says he isn't, nor is he having dinner with his ex-wife. Martin and Asslee use the brain cell they share to try to figure that one out. They can't. Ruthie and Peter are also coming home from school. Ruthie asks Peter why he's been acting strangely all day. He says he's been worried about his mother, and he has a bad feeling that she isn't on a business trip. He hopes that wherever she is, she comes back. Ruthie asks Peter why Paris wouldn't come home. "My dad didn't," he says. Well, that's true.

Annie tells SamVid that they should always be honest with her if they do something wrong, because sooner or later, she'll find out anyway. SamVid look at each other, then say, "I ate some soap. Me too. It didn't taste good." Annie smiles at this, and asks if they have anything else to confess. Um, Annie, I know you're upset about your stupid cookie jar or whatever, but don't you think you should say something to your kids about how they shouldn't eat soap or any other household cleaning products ever again, because they could get sick? Then again, we did just see Annie put cleaning products in the twin's food cabinet, so maybe she encourages this behavior. SamVid admit that they hid cookies under their pillows in case of an "emergency." Isn't food hoarding a well-known thing that children do if they've been starved in the past? How telling. Of course, all Annie cares about is that the fact that the kids have a cookie means that they must have had some kind of contact with the goddamn cookie jar. Perhaps, wonders Inspector Annie, they put cookies under their pillows because there was no place in the kitchen to put the cookies? Because there was no cookie jar? Because they broke it?

Ruthie and Peter walk by. Peter asks Annie how her day was, and she answers that it wasn't "that great." Oh my god, Annie, it's a fucking cookie jar -- get over it, you stupid cow. I'm sorry, that was mean. Well, I'm not really sorry, but that was mean. Ruthie and Peter leave. Annie asks the twins, once and for all, if they broke the cookie jar and then hid the pieces in their food cabinet. They say no, but add that they are wearing two pairs of underwear. Then they lift their shirts and reveal that they are, in fact, wearing two pairs of underwear. Happy growls because this is almost child pornography, and Happy doesn't like child pornography. Annie asks the twins why they decided to double up on the underwear. I think it has something to do with the fact that the CamRents turned off the heat in the twins' bedroom to kill two birds with one stone by saving money and killing off their inconvenient offspring. The twins claim it's because they "forgot to take off last night's underwear, and [they] put on new underwear this morning." Annie tells them to just put a new fresh pair of underwear on tonight and their problems will be solved. They change their underwear every twelve hours? How OCD is that? SamVid point out that the top pair of underwear is clean, and so it can still make it through another twelve-hour cycle. Annie tells them to just start off with a fresh slate, underwear-wise. "Yes ma'am," they reply. Then Annie asks them AGAIN if they broke the fucking cookie jar, and says that she won't be mad at them for it, but she just wants to know because she's a control freak. They say they didn't break the jar. Annie tells them to "think about it." Yes, let's think about it. Let's think about what this scene just told us about the twin's collective level of intelligence. They don't understand how to work underwear, okay? I don't want any more angry emails about how I throw the term "retarded" around, because the twins. Are. Retarded. They're socially retarded, mentally retarded, and emotionally retarded. Oh, and let's also think about the fact that Annie is starving her own children to the point where they feel the need to hide emergency rations under their pillows, and she makes them call her "ma'am." But Annie's not retarded, just crazy.

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7th Heaven




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