I love how the polite WB announcer welcomes me to another night of programming. I think it's nice of them to be grateful for the viewers they get. I'm just grateful it's not RevCam welcoming me, like he used to. Maybe the powers that be realized what a turn-off that was. After a teaser that won't let us forget the fact that fab Lance Bass from 'N SYNC will be on this episode, we get right to the action. I just hope Lance doesn't feel the need to sing, though. I already have a toothache, and I don't want my ears to start bleeding too.
Simon and his little friend are in a convenience store. It's kind of weird that the show starts off immediately with a product placement: Butterfinger chocolate bars. Simon goes up to the cash register and waits for the bored teen cashier to ring up his purchase. Then he does this laidback "oh, and I need a pack of those" thing while pointing vaguely toward the cigarette display. The cashier is obviously psychic, because he knows which brand Simon wants: "Voyage," a rip-off of Vantage. No product placement there, nope. There's a bit of unwitty banter over whether the boys want regular or light cigarettes -- you know, just to show that they don't normally buy cigarettes and are nervous about it. Honestly, the clerk could not care less. Simon pays for the purchases, but as he's leaving, the clerk shouts out, "Hey!" which stops the boys in their tracks. Oh, come on, you little dork, he's not gonna ask you for ID now! The clerk just wants to know if they need matches. Simon sighs heavily and goes back to take the matches. Outside on the sidewalk, Simon's little friend says, "Man, that was too easy!"
Warning: the following scene attempts repeatedly and vainly to be funny. Lucy's pulling various foodstuffs out of the fridge. This goes on for some time, so that the writers will have less dialogue to write. Hey, they must get sick of churning out this drivel every week, right? Lucy brings the food to the table and starts holding up various sandwich-making items for Dopey, who is melodramatically sulking at the kitchen table. As Lucy holds up each item temptingly, she says its name. I realize she's trying to riff on the "Dopey stealing the family's food" joke, but I think that's kind of old. Besides, the way she's calling out all the names of the foods makes it look like she's trying to broaden his vocabulary or something. Dopey has no interest in the food, and he gets up to leave. Lucy perkily tells him she's done his laundry and folded it. Dopey ungraciously says, "Pity laundry, is that it?" He goes on to insist that just because Shana moved to New York doesn't mean she's broken up with him, and that everything will work out. Instead of dumping Matt's laundry all over his rude, uglily-coifed head, Lucy tries to remain supportive and upbeat. Mary comes in and asks Matt how he's doing. He snarls, "Put a sock in it," and walks out with his neatly folded underwear. I wait for Mary and Lucy to follow him so they can drop-kick his ass across town, but instead they just start joking about Matt and Shana's relationship not standing a chance. I stop feeling bad for Mary and Lucy for the way Dopey's treated them because they are rude enough to start in on their speculating before he is even out of earshot. That bit of zany "comedy" out of the way, Mary proceeds to pull a brown paper bag out of the fridge. Lucy tells her she can't open it because it's Ruthie's science experiment. Instead of recoiling in horror and dropping the bag like a hot potato, Mary asks if it contains anything edible. Ew! Lucy claims Mary can find out what it is by giving Ruthie a dollar. Mary chooses to remain ignorant, which is pretty much the story of her life.
Whoa, it's more wackiness! Dopey's having trouble reaching around his laundry basket to open the front door! Har-dee-har-har. RevCam's walking down the stairs. You know, recently I discovered the secret closed-captioning setting that RevCam uses to broadcast his thoughts and feelings to me, only to me. I can't tell you how to find these special RevCaptions, though, because then it wouldn't be a secret anymore. You'll just have to take my word for it. But I can tell you that as he's walking down the stairs, RevCam's thinking, "Damn, why didn't I use birth control when I had the chance!" He opens the door for Dopey and nicely asks him how he's doing. Dopey answers rudely, and when RevCam offers to be there for him if he needs to talk, Dopey says, "Dad, Shana didn't die; she went away to school. I'm fine, really." He leaves, and RevCam closes the door while thinking, "Asshole!" Ruthie runs down the stairs to tell RevCam that "Shana didn't call yesterday." RevCam pretends to care and says that he is unaware of this gossip regarding his eldest son. Ruthie helpfully offers that "sometimes kids just don't want their parents to know stuff." RevCam relates this to Ruthie's dumb-ass science experiment somehow, though there's really no connection at all.