Down at Glenoak Hospital, Simon and RevCam play a little game. Simon can't rat out the Huffers, but he can hint around until RevCam draws on personal experience and figures it out for himself. "Paint, spray paint, fumes," says Simon. "We're talking about huffing, aren't we?" clever RevCam replies. Where's Dick Clark? Give this man some internment camp money! At this point they're right outside Pete's room. RevCam informs us all that huffing can cause liver damage, kidney failure, heart failure -- even death! After seeing this and the natural-energy-boosters episode, I'm pretty impressed with his Encyclopedia Brown-ish knowledge of narcotic effects. I wish I were there to quiz him right now. "Hey, Rev," I'd say, "What about peyote? What does that do to you? How about 'shrooms?" Pete's mom comes out of the hospital room and -- dang! -- blames SIMON for what happened. She says that Pete was a good-boy-A-student until Simon starting hanging with him, and that the spray paint came from Simon's garage. Guess what Reverend Camden says to this. He goes, "What?" and "Excuse me?" Mrs. Lawrence tells Simon to stay away from her son, and then stalks off. ["The last time I checked out Canadian Tire, the spray paint was sitting there on the shelf, like the uncontrolled substance it is, just waiting to be bought by anyone over the age of two." -- Cate] Gosh darn you milquetoast suburbanites! Don't just stand there, RevCam! Tell her some shit! Let me give you an example. Try standing up really straight, flaring your nostrils, cocking your elbows back, and saying in a high-pitched voice, "HEY, DAMMIT! Don't you BE telling my son jack shit, you ol' paint-sniffin'-son-havin' BEE-OTCH! Get your nappy Boba-Fett-head-lookin'-ass outta my face afore I get the UZI from my garage and learn you a lesson." Say it once with me, Reverend Camden. I think you'll like it, once you try it. Or are you TOO PURE? Oh, no! My mouth is bleeding! Help me, Camdens! Help me! RevCam hugs Simon while Pete lies unconscious, not looking on.
This week only at Big K-Mart, you can push your cart through unkempt aisles while the sales clerks ignore you. Oh, wait. That's the special every week. My bad.