7th Heaven
Who Nose

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Who Nose

I hope you watched this episode with your entire family. I didn't, and now I regret it because it would have been a good chance to teach my kids how to "huff." Huffing is what people in Camden Land call sniffing, or inhaling. I learned that from the 7th Heaven announcer. I also learned that one in five kids will try huffing to get high. That surprised me, because when I was growing up in the '70s in a safety-disabled neighborhood, sniffing was pretty popular. Even then, though, I wouldn't have guessed that one in five kids did it. These days I'd estimate that one in five kids in that neighborhood smoke crack. It makes me feel really bad for them. I hope they saw the show Monday night, because they should really try to stay on top of the trends -- nothing's sadder than a passé junkie. But I digress.

The episode starts off with Annie feeding the twins some baby food in the kitchen. Matt runs in and starts dogging out on the food that she unwisely left on the counter. He's all "good morning." She asks if he's in a hurry. He says he's on break from his hospital-cafeteria job. He doesn't want to eat at the cafeteria, and there's "nothin' like home cooking." While he's saying this, a little hunk falls off of his muffin or whatever. Way to make a mess for your mom to clean up, freeloader. RevCam shows up and says, "Ah, feeding time," all hilariously and stuff. Matt swigs down his juice and then puts the glass into RevCam's hand and peels out. That kind of made me laugh, but only because I don't like RevCam. If it had happened to a not-annoying father, I would have rolled my eyes. RevCam says he sure misses Matt. Then he says "Not!" or, actually, that he would miss him if Matt ever stayed away long enough to make that possible. Hardy har. No empty-nest syndrome for the CamRents. Their nest is full and they've gotta gather worms. StuporMom says Matt and John are doing well on their own. RevCam points out that they're not on their own -- they merely have a hut that they use to entertain women. Annie gets this totally freaked look on her face and denies that they're entertaining women. I guess Matt fooled her with the hair. Annie, you shouldn't believe in stereotypes. Straight guys can have long hair, too. Get with the program! So Annie thinks Matt and Shana are too busy working and studying to entertain each other. She forgot about the whining. RevCam thinks that they "make time for the important things." Annie wants to know if he thinks Dopey and Chickenhead are seeing too much of each other. RevCam just eats his muffin. (Hush.) Annie thinks he knows some secret and that's why he's not being all sanctimonious. In walks Ruthie with a lump of clay. "It's my art project!" she announces. StuporMom says, really condescendingly, "It's not your art project. It's what you're doing while you decide what you really wanna do for an art project." RevCam asks what it is and Ruthie explains that it's a sculpture of her nose while she smashes her nose into it. Annie disses her again with, "It's an impression of your nose. And what happened to you getting Simon to help you last night?" Annie is making a really bitchy face at her daughter. I don't care much for Ruthie, either, but I like to think that I'd try to hide that fact if she were my child. Ruthie says that the Artist Formerly Known as Simon (oh, ha, ha) was busy writing his stupid paper. That's Simple Simon's cue to enter and say his stupid paper was a work of art. Annie has a smile for him, because she likes him, I guess. I guess she appreciates him taking Ruthie off her hands so often. Lucy bops in and tells her mom that Mary's on the phone. Lucy's hair is upswept into a sloppy pile on the top of her head. I actually think it flatters her, though -- comparatively.

Mary's sitting on the floor in her room, the way you do when you're telephoning someone you'd like to get it on with. "So what are you in for?" she's asking. "Yeah, I fell into a bad crowd, too. The girl's basketball team. [Snort.] No, I'm not kidding." See, you know she has a crush on this person because she's making that inane crush-talk. She hurries off the phone, telling the boy that she'll see him that afternoon. She grabs her stuff and opens the door to see her parents with the twins. They start telling her what they have to do and who's gonna drive who where, and then RevCam un-casually asks, "Important call?" Mary brilliantly replies, "What?" Then we get a shot of Annie's super-pissed-off face as she asks, "Who was on the phone?" Freaking chill out, Annie. We know you love your sons more than your daughters like any good doormat of a mother would, but try to play it down, can't you? Mary says it was just a friend, and RevCam reminds her that she's "on restriction" and she says she knows and that she "told him," and then she goes to haul the kids to school. Annie still looks overly angry and she asks Rev if he thinks Mary's telling the truth. "The whole truth, nothing but the truth? Nah," says he. Whatever. Like, what -- are they thinking Mary's secretly engaged to this dude? I feel bad for the Camdens that they have to make such big issues out of the tiniest things. Maybe if they took a swing-dancing class and had themselves sterilized, they could lighten up a little.

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