7th Heaven
Why Not Me?

Episode Report Card
Sara M: F | Grade It Now!
Fostering Failure, Adopting Apathy

There are no faker smiles than the ones displayed by the SevHev cast in the opening credits.

For our Opening Credits Timewaster, Kevin struts across Simon's campus, attracting the attention of many female students. "Hello," they say, posing seductively with their asses and chests prominently thrust outwards. Their behavior doesn't surprise me, though, considering that Simon is a Sex God on this campus. Obviously, they don't get much in the way of HOTT men.

Kevin finds Simon talking to a group of friends, and -- oh dear. Simon went and got himself a Season Four RevCam: When Receding Hairlines and Caesar Cuts Combine haircut. Not flattering. Simon thanks Kevin for coming to give him the money, especially since his only other option was dealing with his dad and all his nosy questions. Instead, he'll deal with nosy questions from Kevin, presented in the most time-filling and roundabout way possible. Eventually, Simon reveals that he got kicked out of his dorm for letting a homeless female student stay with him, and he needs the money for the security deposit on an apartment. Also, the girl originally hails from Glenoak, as, it would seem, does most of the student body at Low Standards University. Kevin tells Simon he doesn't want to give him money if "Mom and Dad" wouldn't approve of what it's for. Isn't Kevin's dad dead, and his mom, Bo Derek? I think she'd be cool with it, despite her penchant for giving her children bizarre names like "Patty Mary." Oh -- Kevin's talking about the CamRents, and he calls them "Mom" and "Dad" because he's "weird." And he doesn't think the CamRents will approve of Simon's desire to share an apartment with a female, even though Simon insists that she is just a friend. I guess Kevin didn't see the episode where Matt was allowed to move into an apartment with THREE women and the CamRents didn't mind that. Obviously the writers didn't see that episode either, so why would he? Kevin thinks he should ask the CamRents if this is okay. Simon begs Kevin to leave the rest of his horrible family out of it. Kevin considers this, presented to us in a weird low-angle shot through a fish-eye lens. Did Hype Williams direct this episode?

RevCam tells the phone to "come to Papa." Whatever tickles your pickle, dude. Annie calls, wondering if they should call the school and find out what's going on with Simon. Or maybe they could call Simon's roommate, whose name is, in fact, Monty. Not "Moddy," and while I can understand why Stephen Collins might want to hit the bottle before his scenes, it would cause less confusion if he didn't slur his lines.

Simon and Kevin walk into Simon's room, where Monty is pissed to report that RevCam has now taken to calling him instead of Simon. Simon asks when Monty and RevCam got so close, and Monty says they talk all the time, since Simon is never around when RevCam calls. And also, Monty got in trouble along with Simon for harboring the homeless girl, Christina, in their room, even though he had nothing to do with it. Finally, he spits a "who are you?" in Kevin's direction. Simon says Kevin is his brother, and he's married to Simon's sister. Monty is disgusted, believing that Simon's two siblings married each other, but Simon clears it up by explaining that Kevin is his brother-in-law, but he has "a thing" about wanting to be called just a "brother." Although it's not much of a stretch, considering the fact that Mary once asked her brother to give her her first kiss. God, this show is fucked up. Monty leaves to tell his friends what a weirdo he has for a roommate, and Kevin asks to speak to whoever was responsible for kicking Simon out.

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7th Heaven




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