AAdrianna and Navid Lite bond over being narcissistic twits for a bit, and NL inadvertently takes credit for Actual Navid's cutesy charm bracelet. Actual Navid sees the bracelet on AAdrianna, flips out, barges into a taping of Blaze Live, and screams his true feelings in front of literally everyone at West Bev (via TV). On the upside, AAdrianna admits she likes him too, so it could have gone much, much worse. On the downside, NL is not a man who will take "no" for an answer. He reiterates his offer to take AAdrianna on tour over the summer -- all the better for him to steal her away from Navid again.
Annie and Liam bond over their mutual criminal pasts, prompting him to call it quits with lying, self-centered Naomi. Before admitting his misdeeds to Stepdaddy Dearest, he invites Annie to take the born-again-virgin voyage on his handcrafted boat. Lulled by the gentle slapping of the waves against wood and wrapped cozily in a Baja blanket, she confesses to being a certifiable hobo killer. Liam takes her in his arms to console her, getting Jasper (who's watching from a distance like the stalker he is) blazing mad -- enough so to firebomb the S.S. Coin Swiper. Unfortunately, Annie isn't on the boat at the time because she's gone home to tell her parents about her murderin' ways. Fortunately, Liam's not. He intercepts crutch-crippled Jasper rowing back to shore and beats the ever-loving piss out of the spikey-haired bandit.
Naomi, meanwhile, reacts about as badly and bitchily to getting dumped as you might expect, then makes a knee-jerk turnabout and launches into an out-of-tune rendition of "Single Ladies," thankfully without the dance. Eat your heart out, Minnelli! After a big school event leaves her feeling more alone than ever, she finds herself back at West Bev, with car trouble. She seeks help in the only person around -- the man she falsely accused of sexually harassing her. Except this time he decides to take advantage of her destroyed credibility to get all rape-y. Boom goes the Cannon!
Matthews is actually merits a solid, non pier-stumbling plot line this week! You think that's amazing? Chew on this: He's a daddy! He knows this thanks to Naomi riffling through Jen's purse because she doesn't have enough money to pay for parking. Yep, it's that dire. She forgets all about the Benjamins when she finds a paternity test naming Matthews as the bastard's father. She thoughtfully sends him a bouquet of "CONGRATS DAD!" balloons. He does the most naive (and may I add pathetic) thing possible and offers to do the honorable thing, to which Jen coldly responds, "My baby doesn't need a public school teacher as a father." He gives up on the foolish notion of responsibility and manhood, instead getting wasted at a school function, hijacking a Christmas light-bedecked shuttle, running over West Bev's sign, and driving off in a trail of flames. All while catching a glimpse of a leering Cannon closing the blinds on his little late-night tutorial with Naomi.
Silver finally explains her blindside break-up to Teddy, spilling that Spence tried to pay her off. She acknowledges her fear of destroying Teddy's tennis career, but he insists he can do both tennis and her (hubba hubba!). Silver sticks to her guns... for about 10 minutes until Naomi reminds her that Teddy should be making this decision, since it's his life and all. Who knew heartbreak would produce a wisdom-boosting effect on Naomi? Let's see what sexual assault adds to the mix, shall we? (Poor Naomi.)
Dixon comes clean to Ivy about kissing Silver during the split-second that he and Ivy broke up. Naturally she rescinds his invitation to Downunder, but he wins her back with a Photoshopped astronomy presentation in which Ivy and her stringy ladydreads are the center of the universe. It's almost grosser than her red-shorted jumpsuit.
And from Dixon's joy springs his parents' chagrin. You see, ol' Dickface Driscoll has decided to blackmail Harry about the footage he buried of Dixon assisting the thwarted break-in to steal the SATs. Harry opts to fall on the sword, so to speak. He does not indulge the blackmail, instead exposing his cover-up to the superintendent and get swiftly canned. Debbie, who has decided to take a hard line against Dixon's Aussie holiday, has a shit fit about everything that is wrong in her life and tells Harry to take a hike. It is going to be a long summer, my friends. Rob Estes, you will be missed. Chris Lorenzo forever!
Previously: Naomi accused her teacher of sexual harassment, then recanted. Harry covered up for Dixon, then blew both of their covers. Jasper came on strong with Annie, then backed off. Navid took a leap of faith, confessing his feelings to AAdrianna, then took a fall when his pop singing doppelganger swept her off her feet. Teddy's courtside dad shamed Silver into breaking up with him, then she effed things up plenty herself by kissing Dixon. And Liam stole his stepdad's precious coins, then got his maid fired. Jen got with many, many men, then got herself a baby.
We rejoin Jen in the doctor's office as she looks at the ultrasound of her demon spawn. "Can you believe it?" she asks. Naomi says, as a matter of fact, no, she can't believe that Jen can actually reproduce human babies. Jen snides that Naomi is probably disappointed that she wasn't "having a love affair with a coke-addled chimpanzee." Hey, don't bring Travis into this! The nurse closes the curtain on this escalating situation, so Naomi goes out to the office where she learns that they don't validate parking. Since she's flat broke and doesn't have money to pay parking, she sneaks back into the doctor's office and takes advantage of the closed curtain to riffle through Jen's purse. She doesn't find coins, but she does find something bankable -- a paternity test.
Elsewhere, Annie asks Liam if he's going to come clean to his stepdad about stealing the coins. He says that life as he knows it would be over because his father would either send him back to military school or press charges -- probably both. He especially notes that he'd never see Annie again, then quickly tries to cover, saying he wouldn't see anyone again for that matter. Annie suggests some scout's honor-y ways he could make things right for Rosa. She tells him he's lucky because he's got options, adding, "Sometimes you mess up and there's no way you can ever fix it."
Over in New York, AAdrianna and Javier compliment each other on their amazing gig. They hop into his limo where they're met by a ton of gifts from his fans, including a sizable pair of panties. Javier is first to lay hands on the charm bracelet Navid specially put together to show his love for and history with AAdrianna. He says it's not really his style and tells AAdrianna she can keep it.
Back at West Bev, Ivy and Dixon see a poster for the school's annual "Pass the Torch" party at the Natural History Museum. Dixon catches her up that it's a WBHS tradition in which everyone dresses up and the senior class hands over the school, so to speak, to the juniors. Dixon asks if she wants to go, saying it should be fun, but Ivy rags on school-sanctioned activities being lame. She switches topics, saying with wonder that the water in Australia goes down the drain in the opposite direction as it does in America. They agree they're both stoked for the trip and that everything will be fine as long as they're honest with each other. Dixon agrees, looking guilty as sin all the while.
Inside, Matthews makes his way into his classroom, where he finds a bundle of "CONGRATS DAD!" balloons anchored by a box of cigars. He opens up the envelope on top and reads the paternity test with Jen's name clearly printed on top. Surprise! Credits.
Later that morning, Ivy flirts with an anxious-looking Dixon as some hippie teacher lectures about physics. Once class ends, Dixon decides it's time to come out with it. Things don't take a good start when Ivy immediately points out they were only broken up for about two minutes. He tells her that he kissed Silver, that it meant nothing, they were both drunk, and they knew immediately it was a mistake. He says he can't keep secrets from her. She takes it about as well as she should, telling him she's done playing second fiddle to another girl, then walking out in a huff.
Over in Harry's office, the PrinciPAL reads a passage from an essay Dixon's B&E pal Mark Driscoll bought off of the Internet and tried to pass off as his own. Harry tells Driscoll that this little stunt will earn him an "F" in English and a rescinded invitation to graduation. Driscoll puts it back on Harry, saying surely the PrinciPAL can smooth things over with his teacher, or Driscoll will tell the Superintendent that Harry covered up Dixon's part in the vandalism at West Bev.
That afternoon, Naomi skips out on gym class to bitch to Liam about organized running. He sulkily asks how she's doing, and it takes her a minute to remember her lie about having the flu and snap into character. He puts up with it for about two seconds before telling her he knows she was driving and not sick in bed. She tries to gloss over the lie, but he tells her it's over. They never had much in common, and she's a self-centered liar, not to mention that she'd rather pretend to have the flu than hear him out. She tears up and screams after him that he's not perfect either. He agrees that he's not, but it's neither here nor there because they're done.
Back inside, Silver interviews AAdrianna about her new career and romantic duet with Javier. As some kid in plaid skinny pants roller skates around (is that really the best way to film a sit-down interview?), Navid watches uncomfortably. Then he spots the charm bracelet on AAdrianna's wrist, and the interview is over. He yells, "Cut!" Silver tries to remind him that you can't cut a live segment, but he insists because he needs to discuss "wardrobe" with AAdrianna. He scuttles everyone out and throws aside a chair -- with the camera still rolling, mind you. He wonders where AAdrianna got the bracelet. She claims it was a gift from Javier, so he goes about explaining every single charm and why it couldn't be a gift from Javier (unless he's actually the shadow self of Navid I have long suspected).
Out in the hall, Silver and the hipster cameramen stumble upon a gathering crowd, transfixed by the lovers' quarrel transpiring live on screen before them. Navid hilariously imagines AAdrianna and Javier having "a whole brood of Javier Juniors with amazing abs," just not wearing his bracelet. One of the camera guys admits to Silver that he forgot to turn off the camera because "Navid yells, and I panic." Heh. Silver runs back to the locked door and bangs on it, but Navid's on a roll. He demands his bracelet back, but AAdrianna says she doesn't want to give it back. She says she didn't realize that he liked her. He finally says out loud that he does, but he's "just Navid" and can't compete with the famous, sexy Javier. AAdrianna tells Navid he's wrong and that no one can compete with him. She takes his face in her hands. Cue a high-school wide "Awwwww" followed by a round of cheers. At which point Navid realizes maybe Silver was trying to tell him something. Back out in the hall, Silver moons at the reunited couple. Naomi looks at them with a bittersweet smile before revealing that Liam just dumped her.
That night, Matthews finds Jen at the beach club as she wraps up a condescending tutorial on crème brûlée with her chef. Matthews gets straight to the point and asks if she's pregnant. He wonders how she got his DNA. She says he left a "gnarly hairbrush" at her house. That tiny detail really causes the news to sink in for Matthews. Of course he does the "right" thing and offers to do whatever it takes to be a good father to this child. She looks at him with a stone face and informs him she doesn't need help from the likes of a lowly school teacher. He says he has rights, but she counters that she will fight him in court if that's what it takes. Jen may have been slumming it for a while, but her baby certainly won't. He tries to stop her by grabbing her arm. She gives him a look that could kill before excusing herself to a prenatal yoga class. Because a little breathing will definitely save that kid from being supremely fucked up.
Over at Silver's, Teddy stops by to ask why she broke up with him out of nowhere. She tells him everything about