Oh, Annie Wilson, your life is so hard! On the eve of Annie's birthday, her ex Jason drops by from Kansas, prompting Tabby to deliver the show's best line ever, which I have, in turn, co-opted for my weecap title. Anywho, Naomi has decided use the rube in her revenge plot since spying slinky goings-on between the birthday girl and Ethan. Annie ultimately breaks it to Jason that she has moved on, but Naomi still sinks her claws into him -- all the while feeding Ethan conspiracy theories.
Annie's party arrives, and she has a frigging neon sign. And Tabby karaokes to Pat Benatar. Huzzah! That was worth the price of admission all by itself. Ethan predictably gifts Annie with the skanky old pentapus, and they make out. Conveniently, Naomi sees this and shows Jason -- all of this is part of her multifaceted plot to entrap Jason in her collagen-plumped lips (upstairs or downstairs, you choose). In the end, Annie realizes she's not the corn-fed, gingham-wearin' girl she used to be and breaks in her newly acknowledged bitchy side by ripping Naomi a new one.
Meanwhile, Kelly returns and gets wind of Matthews' supposed affair with Kimberly. She stages a fruitless man-tervention on Kimberly, but Kimberly shows how kick-ass she is by getting all up in Kelly's craw. Kelly eventually discovers that Ryan's not a pervert and slyly proposes they start dating again just in time for Kim to walk in and make Kelly feel bad about herself all over again. Nailed it! Also, we finally get to see Kimbocop in action, thanks in part to Matthews disappearing into a hole and going full-on wolf man during his leave of absence.
Navid and AAdrianna get ever closer, despite him temporarily blowing her off to cover the breaking Matthews news. She stalks him down and finds that his house has the Biggest. Doors. Ever. And he has a tutu-wearing sister whom I will find and pluck from West Bev any day now. AAdrianna meets Navid's millions of relatives. Her newfound intimacy forces his hand, and he admits he's a virgin. Who is surprised by this? Anyone?
And last, but certainly not least, Edie's rent boy nephew from Desperate Housewives pops over to Casa Wilson for one hot second to announce that he is Harry and Crazy Eyes' son.
Previously: AAdrianna turned love for the crack pipe into like-like for Navid. Matthews (ostensibly) dipped his toe in the kiddie pool and was asked/told to take a leave of absence. Annie once had a corn-husking boyfriend from Kansas but wasn't thinking about him at all once she and Ethan started to creep around, despite an ultimatum from Naomi. Long story short, Naomi spotted the two cheaters canoodling before they got the chance to come clean.
We return precisely where we left off last time: Weepy music plays as Naomi spies her betrayal in progress. She staggers off in a horrendous plaid-paneled dress that looks like something Jeffrey Sebelia concocted during a particularly harsh comedown. Students laugh and chat, enabling Naomi to suspect that the world really does revolve around her. Newsflash, perma donna: No one cares about Annie, Ethan, or you. Even me. And I'm paid to care. Naomi heads into class and hears two students further speculating on an impending romance between two hot people. Naomi spits out at AAdrianna, "They know?!" AAdrianna bursts Naomi's self-obsessed bubble to tell her that Aryan George sent a school-wide text message blowing the whistle on Matthews and Kimberly. Naomi pretends to be relieved, but you know she is howling inside since she can't be the victim.
Aryan George self-importantly swaggers into the class. Harry cuts off his self-congratulations by announcing that he'll be Matthews' substitute. He starts talking about Madame Bovary, and spoils the ending. Annie disrupts him by stumbling in late. She sits down, and Naomi leans over to suggest they have a little chat after school. Naomi gives an evil smile that quickly morphs to bitchface as Annie turns and squirms.
Out in the hall, Silver welcomes Kelly back to West Bev. Kelly tells her Dylan still has the same sideburns and commitment issues. But can he still deliver a perfectly timed double-chin punch? Because that is sorely missing from this show. Kelly seems to take it all in stride and claims she's leaving herself open to all possibilities. By which she means she's ready for a rebound fling with Matthews. Speaking of whom, she saw Harry teaching his class and wonders what's up. Silver tells Kelly she "missed some stuff" while away. Nothing unusual, though, just statutory rape, drug raids, OD-ing teenagers, and a raging house party -- at your own house.
Outside, camcorder in hand, Navid hounds Matthews as he takes his leave. Matthews is more Obama on Halloween, less Brad Garrett on a Tuesday as he tells Navid to shove off. Kelly comes outside and shoos Navid away. She asks Matthews if the rumors are true, and he -- probably for the first time ever -- doesn't spout off about his moral rectitude. He remains cagey, which doesn't satisfy Kelly one bit.