Tonight most of the kids attend The Undies, West Bev's celebration of underachievement, so what better place to start than with Matthews? The shaggy teach carries on with his quest to take back the night for Naomi. In doing so, he manages to get Cannon suspended -- and also himself. Cocksure Cannon threatens to sue Naomi for her entire trust fund when her case falls apart. Considering she's hinging said case on the testimony of a drunken ragamuffin with a love child and a history of leaving blazing West Bev signs in his wake... it really does look for a while like Naomi might be wise to immediately make several large deposits to untraceable accounts in Cayman and Swiss bank accounts.
But the story pricks up (pun intended) when Ausscar, who has suddenly become super-English, weasels his way into the fracas by becoming a bizarre, yet integral plot connector. He at once takes a liking to the bitchy antics of Naomi and isolates hints of Cockney in Cannon's accent, specifically linking him to the rough-and-tumble neighborhood of Dagenham. Ausscar offhandedly mentions the Dagenham connection to Naomi, and they discover via the Internet that Cannon is actually a repeat sex offender named Douglas Atherton. They take the matter to the police, and it's confirmed that Cannon is a serial rapist, which strengthens Naomi's significantly. Naturally, Ausscar takes this coup as another chance to hit on Naomi -- because nothing gets a girl in the mood for love like Googling her rapist. When Naomi follows the cops to Cannon's house for his arrest, she learns the naughty professor has fled the country and taken her hopes of justice and peace with him.
Speaking of sexual deviants and those whose live they destroy, Ivy may just be scarred for life by her run-in with Ausscar -- and I'm not just talking about her hymen, oh! She hesitantly gets back together with Dixon, who is so desperate to repent for his lies and HIV scares that he doesn't realize how weird things have suddenly become between her and the flop-mopped Lothario. It's only a matter of time until Ivy informs Dixon that Sex Wax means more to her these days than something one slathers on your board. Gnarly!
On another steadily breaking relationship front, AAdrianna's sleaze-tainted career continues to get in the way of her relationship with Navid. He isn't happy about her shifting priorities but has his own in the form of befriending a girl who has moved into the locker next to his and who mysteriously hates him, not to mention beating Harper the Harpy at West Bev's actual Achievement Awards (the much less popular source material for The Undies). Navid ends up taking himself out of the running for the coveted Leadership Award once he learns Harper's father is an emotionally abusive bastard who might disown her if she doesn't win. But who needs scholarships and accolades when you're a Persian Jew with a porn director father? Speaking of which, Navid suddenly recognizes the girl whose locker is next to his once performed in one of his father's movies. The catch? She's a high school student.
And then there were two: Liam and Teddy strangely bond over their own emasculation when Loony Laura uses Liam as walking display case for her burgeoning handbag empire, and Teddy fights rumors that balls are the only thing to get his tennis racket swinging. While Liam trudges around with a sourpuss on all night, per usual, Teddy finds comfort in non-medical Mary Jane furnished by some extra who may or may not be Matthews in a knit cap. Liam's story arc also veers toward the narcotic when it turns out Laura's purses were only a ploy for her ascent to becoming the cocaine queenpin of the Bev Niner.
Previously: Dixon lied. Ivy cheated. AAdrianna stole. Teddy was trapped in the closet. Liam was stuck in a window display. Naomi found an unlikely savior in her rape case against Cannon: Matthews.
We open with Liam, who wakes up to find Looney Laura leering over him in a leopard print beret. He hops out of bed and puts his pants on, telling her to get to the point. She informs him that she's the Bev Niner's premiere handbag designer -- this show's answer to ShePratt, if you will. But maybe even dumber. Is that possible? She needs him to accompany her while she gets supplies. He offers to fetch the supplies for that, but our little Laura is way too crafty for that. She insists they go together and tells him that, for him, a shirt is optional.
West Bev. Navid skims a book at his locker when a pretty young thing approaches to claim the locker next to his. He flirts with her that she's crushed his dreams of installing a mini fridge in her locker. She plays along as he says she looks familiar, then introduces himself by name. Her face turns hard, and she slams her locker and walks away.
Down the hall, Teddy notices girls whispering and giggling as he walks by. When Dixon approaches, he asks what's going on, and Dixon uncomfortably admits that Parker, for whom Teddy couldn't get it up, is spreading the word that Teddy is "shooting pool with a rope." Teddy insists he would never screw around because he wants to be with Silver, and things were good with her. That statement has about 43 elements of misinformation, inaccuracy, and delusion in it, but let's not start parsing this early in the show.
Out in the quad, Ausscar woos a blonde ditz with his fancy British words and a hands-on explanation of where he lives relative to London using her chest as a map. Ivy breaks up the sickly seduction, which gives Gillian Zinser the chance to remind us what a truly awful actress she is. Seriously, it's like KStew levels of "anger = constipated stuttering" acting technique. Ivy tries to convince Ausscar to go home, but he insists on finishing out his gap year in America. He insists that MILF deserved what she got and that Ivy is just collateral damage. Ivy calls him a repulsive human being and storms off.
Elsewhere, Navid shoots pool (not with a rope) with Dixon, Teddy, and Liam, all the while puzzling over why locker girl hates him so. Dixon snarks that maybe she's freaked out by the flat iron he keeps in his locker. Retorts Navid, "You know what? You guys just don't understand the curse of a Persian curl." Liam suggests maybe it's Navid's dumb jokes (example: "How do you get a Kleenex to dance? You put a little boogie in it!") Harper the Harpy interrupts to rub it in Navid's face that she's his top competition for this year's Leadership Award. They have a pissing contest about their various achievements over the past few years, and I actually think I just went back to my own high school. Glad to know Key Club is still the benchmark for self-worth for the rich overachievers. Liam breaks up the slap fight, and Dixon suggests they ditch the Achievement Awards and head to "The Undies," West Bev's annual celebration of underachievement. Dixon can't resist plugging that he's DJing. Helium-voiced Harper can't believe anyone would ever celebrate aiming low and bids Navid a frosty farewell with an actual psych-out handshake. Okay, now we just left my high school and went to the high school from Encino Man.