As the Achievement Awards get started, Teddy finds Dixon putting the finishing touches on his DJ booth at The Undies. Dixon wonders why Teddy's not at the Achievement Awards with Silver, but Ian interrupts to ask Dixon to check on his mic, joking that the reverb makes him sound like Kaaaaaatherine Hepbuuuuuuurn. Dixon laughs and heads off, leaving Ian a chance to try once again to overcompensate for Teddy's own closet-based insecurities. It goes slightly better than the last million times Ian has made such an overture considering this time he doesn't get punched in the face.
Across the room, Ivy questions Dixon's choice to open The Undies with a song by Scientologist, ageless Beck. Dixon insists, "If I don't open The Undies with 'Loser,' I'm a fool!" He calls Ausscar over to provide a second opinion. Things are predictably stiff between Ivy and Ausscar, and it comes out that Ausscar has moved out of MILF Manor. Dixon assumes Ausscar wanted to be able to bring girls home. Ausscar laughs with relief as he excuses himself to find a girl he's had his eye on, leaving Dixon to carry on with his tech prep.
The girl in question is Naomi, whose more-expensive-than-a-car pen Ausscar is returning. He tries to work his magic on her, but she is totally underwhelmed, even when he brings up his charming accent. She says she finds it revolting because it reminds her of Cannon. He takes offense that she would liken his blue collar Dagenham accent with his hoity toity wherever-the-eff-he's-from lilt. Naomi zeroes in on the fact that Cannon lied about being from Chelsea and wonders aloud what Cannon might be hiding.
The Undies kick off, and Ian takes the stage as Master of Ceremonies. Annie makes her only appearance in tonight's episode as Ian's co-host. It's probably the closest this show will ever get to brilliance -- nothing says underachiever like drunkenly plowing down a hobo on prom night! Annie pulls out the first award (a.k.a. a Sharpied pair of briefs) for "Most Likely To Succeed by Marrying Rich." It goes to some girl who is obviously studying really hard to become a Deal or No Deal briefcase girl and/or a car show model.
As she gives her speech, we cut over to the Achievement Awards, where some guy is giving an appropriately dorky acceptance speech, complete with an Archimedes quote, for the math award. Out in the corridor, English award winner Silver preps Navid for his Leadership Award acceptance speech. They stop chattering when they hear Harper the Harpy getting seriously harped on by her awful father, who think she isn't living up to her brothers' legacy. She promises to win the Leadership Award, claiming it's the only one that matters because it comes with scholarship money. Are we to believe that anyone at West Bev needs scholarships? Is Harper hiding the secret shame of Zuckerman? Harper's horrible father tells her, "You better get it. Otherwise you'll be slingin' shoes at the Beverly Center after graduation!" Does anyone else wonder if the writers conceived of and scripted this entire episode around that single quote?