Previously: Dixon lied. Ivy cheated. AAdrianna stole. Teddy was trapped in the closet. Liam was stuck in a window display. Naomi found an unlikely savior in her rape case against Cannon: Matthews.
We open with Liam, who wakes up to find Looney Laura leering over him in a leopard print beret. He hops out of bed and puts his pants on, telling her to get to the point. She informs him that she's the Bev Niner's premiere handbag designer -- this show's answer to ShePratt, if you will. But maybe even dumber. Is that possible? She needs him to accompany her while she gets supplies. He offers to fetch the supplies for that, but our little Laura is way too crafty for that. She insists they go together and tells him that, for him, a shirt is optional.
West Bev. Navid skims a book at his locker when a pretty young thing approaches to claim the locker next to his. He flirts with her that she's crushed his dreams of installing a mini fridge in her locker. She plays along as he says she looks familiar, then introduces himself by name. Her face turns hard, and she slams her locker and walks away.
Down the hall, Teddy notices girls whispering and giggling as he walks by. When Dixon approaches, he asks what's going on, and Dixon uncomfortably admits that Parker, for whom Teddy couldn't get it up, is spreading the word that Teddy is "shooting pool with a rope." Teddy insists he would never screw around because he wants to be with Silver, and things were good with her. That statement has about 43 elements of misinformation, inaccuracy, and delusion in it, but let's not start parsing this early in the show.
Out in the quad, Ausscar woos a blonde ditz with his fancy British words and a hands-on explanation of where he lives relative to London using her chest as a map. Ivy breaks up the sickly seduction, which gives Gillian Zinser the chance to remind us what a truly awful actress she is. Seriously, it's like KStew levels of "anger = constipated stuttering" acting technique. Ivy tries to convince Ausscar to go home, but he insists on finishing out his gap year in America. He insists that MILF deserved what she got and that Ivy is just collateral damage. Ivy calls him a repulsive human being and storms off.
Elsewhere, Navid shoots pool (not with a rope) with Dixon, Teddy, and Liam, all the while puzzling over why locker girl hates him so. Dixon snarks that maybe she's freaked out by the flat iron he keeps in his locker. Retorts Navid, "You know what? You guys just don't understand the curse of a Persian curl." Liam suggests maybe it's Navid's dumb jokes (example: "How do you get a Kleenex to dance? You put a little boogie in it!") Harper the Harpy interrupts to rub it in Navid's face that she's his top competition for this year's Leadership Award. They have a pissing contest about their various achievements over the past few years, and I actually think I just went back to my own high school. Glad to know Key Club is still the benchmark for self-worth for the rich overachievers. Liam breaks up the slap fight, and Dixon suggests they ditch the Achievement Awards and head to "The Undies," West Bev's annual celebration of underachievement. Dixon can't resist plugging that he's DJing. Helium-voiced Harper can't believe anyone would ever celebrate aiming low and bids Navid a frosty farewell with an actual psych-out handshake. Okay, now we just left my high school and went to the high school from Encino Man.