AAdrianna is thrilled by the excitement of dating Navid Lite, a.k.a. Javier, while the actual Navid grows more pissed by the minute that he missed his second chance with her. Especially when that floppy-haired bozo Javier shows up in his limo with a bouquet of flores muy costosas and ruins Navid's big tulips-in-hand reveal. ¡Pendejo! It's really just a reason for the two sad sacks to hang on to their unnecessarily unrequited feelings for each other in time for a big "Who will she choose?" finale. Pffft. And an opportunity to stage some truly vomitastic paparazzi photo shoots of "Javianna," or as I will now and forever refer to them, "Heave-ianna." Once Dixon reminds Navid that Javier can't hold a candle to him as far as shared history goes, Navid hatches a harebrained scheme to show up to AAdrianna's first big, Autotuned gig, sneak into her dressing room, and put a personalized charm bracelet with note in it asking her to meet him on the roof. Nothing could go wrong there, right? Wrong! Javier, who was supposed to fly to New York before the gig begins, decides to stick around. He impulsively asks AAdrianna to fly to the Big Apple with him and perform with him on stage. As bad luck would have it, Navid's romantic rooftop perch is a perfect spot from which to view AAdrianna hopping into Javier's limo!
Teddy and Silver, too, are in the throes of the love haze, including but not limited to Silver cashing in her non-manic-episode virginity (to the sounds of Javier, singing "It just feels so right!"). I think I speak for the world when I say, "Huuuuuuuuurl." Upon hearing that Teddy hasn't followed his scheme to end the relationship and focus solely on world tennis domination, Spence pays a visit to Silver. He coldly informs her that her puny little three-month-old relationship with Teddy is nothing but a dalliance in comparison to his 14-year-long affair with the court. He actually offers her 150 grand to split. Take the money, hoochie! Instead, she takes the high road for about five seconds before Teddy loses his #1 national ranking. She decides to end it and only makes losers of them both by martyring herself.
Meanwhile, just as Annie is cozying up to Liam thanks to Matthews' nonsensical Vivaldi project, Jasper returns to ask her forgiveness. And can I just say, "Stop the bus?!" Is the world upside down? She fatally plowed down his hobo uncle! Whatever, she redeems herself a bit when that SAT-stealing prick whose name I can't even be bothered to remember taunts Jasper for his Hollywood sign swan dive, then stoops especially low in suggesting Jasper may have offed the old itinerant himself. Annie jumps in to defend Jasper and finally acknowledge that everything bad that happens in the universe is basically her fault. Point for viewers everywhere! Jasper -- because he still wants to get in her pants -- says it's not and tells her at least twice that he forgives her before gently caressing her shoulder.
And who should see this? Liam, who has had about enough of Naomi being a bratty little bitch. You see Jen Clark, CPA, has cut up Naomi's credit cards and forced li'l sis to drive to school in a puke green clunker. Liam tries to assure Naomi that she's only six months away from turning 18 and regaining control of her trust fund, but the perms don't pay for themselves, and bitch wants her money now. Liam finally blows his top on her and says her problems aren't shit, so STFU already. Naomi pulls her head out of her own ass long enough to apologize, get the scoop on prison pappy, and promise to be there for Liam moving forward. Of course it's total bullshit because the minute he asks for support (when it seems imminent his coin-stealing hijinks might come out), Naomi bails to go all private eye on Jen -- discovering in the process that Jen's knocked up! Holy God, if Matthews is the father, I will have no words because my mouth will be filled with upchuck. But back to Liam, who is so pissed at Naomi that he overlooks the fact that he stumbled upon Annie's super-secret "I murdered a hobo" Word .doc during a study session and decides it's still advisable for him to get life and relationship tips from her. Maybe he finds manslaughter sexy? His dad was in the joint for most of his childhood, after all.
And far in the background, Ivy invites Dixon to Australia with her and MILF that summer. He says yes, undoubtedly planning to recreate the opening scene of Grease on a daily basis. More importantly, the invite sets the stage for Harry and Debbie to have another relationship-straining disagreement. He doesn't think Dixon should be globetrotting, given the gambling and vandalism shenanigans he's been up to lately. When he confronts Dixon with as much, Debbie overhears and is naturally irate that hypocritical Harry himself has been keeping secrets from her. No matter, though, because Dixon has already sold most of his crap for the ticket, freaking out Ivy in the process. She says they're moving too fast, and Dixon counters with a hissy fit about how she's judgmental. They break up for a hot minute before Ivy runs into MILF peddling her wares on a corner somewhere. They have a heart-to-heart that encourages Ivy to try again with Dixon. D-bag manages to extricate himself from a drunken broom closet make-out session with Silver just before Ivy returns, and it looks like it's onward to Australia for those two. I sincerely hope Ivy is involved in a freak surfing accident.
Previously: Prison pappy cashed in on Liam's stepdad's rare coins. Jen seized control of Naomi's cash. Spence Montgomery didn't like Silver getting in the way of Daddy's little cash cow, a.k.a. Teddy. And AAdrianna plumbed her cache of emotional baggage with Navid to write a hit song and hit it off with world-famous pop sensation Javier, who is a straight-up knock-off of Navid.
Downtown at night, Navid bitches about pop culture as he walks the strip on a boys' night out with Teddy, Liam, and Dixon. The guys wonder what his problem is, so he marches over to the first bus he sees, which just happens to have a larger-than-life picture of Javier, a.k.a. Navid Lite, on the side. Seriously, it's Ross-Russ 2010. Navid smacks the buss in displaced anger before Dixon reminds him that he and AAdrianna broken up. He acknowledges it but says he doesn't really want to be. They ask if Navid's told AAdrianna how he feels, which of course he hasn't. This is Navid we're talking about. They tell him that's kind of key in the whole equation, and Teddy quips that he should step up his competition by cutting a single and becoming an overnight teen heartthrob.
Elsewhere, the girls are gabbing over coffee about whether Navid Lite is a heartthrob-worthy kisser. AAdrianna says she's not sure yet but invites them to her first big gig on Friday night and promises to introduce them. The merriment is cut short when the waiter returns to tell Naomi her card has been declined.
She scampers over to the beach club to ask Jen why her funds are running so low. Jen grabs Naomi's cards and pretends to check them out before coldly cutting up not just one but all of Naomi's cards. She explains that she cancelled Naomi's plastic stash because her spending has gotten out of control. Yeah, like the time she bought that $100,000 race horse. What an impulse purchase! She's putting Naomi on "financial diet consisting of low-denomination greens." Jen gets a note that her shrimp vendor needs to be paid and nastily suggests that maybe Naomi should ask him for some work. Shortly after she steps away, her mobile phone rings. Naomi picks it but doesn't know who the caller (J. Boyd) is. Jen comes back to snatch the phone back from her and act all cagey. Jen warns Naomi that many changes are afoot in her life: "Frugal is the new black."