It's a heat wave in the Bev Niner, but ain't nobody gettin' laid up in here. Except for maybe the casting director who hires Tabitha for a miniseries.
Annie and Ethan make out in every nook and cranny in California because they're in looooove (or just teenagers). Like horny teenagers, they deem themselves ready to start the sexin', complete with an overextended Palm Springs metaphor. Before they can get down to business, though, they do the totally non-teenagerly thing and have an ultra-luxe seven course dinner, including foie gras and sweet breads. They barely make to course three of the innards smorgy before the hormones kick in. Mid-foreplay Annie's virgin-on-the-brink speech freaks the feck out of Ethan, and Annie's hymen remains intact. Ethan later explains that he totally understands Annie's emotional investment in sex. They decide to take their time before humping like bunnies.
Okay, I lied a little. Harry and Debbie also get some. In the back of the crap wagon. Sexy. Fueled by their heat rage, they stage a sneak attack on their profligate daughter. Comeuppance is theirs, though, when Annie is still eligible to attend next year's Purity Ball, so they celebrate by doing the humpty dance.
The once-sexed AAdrianna faints in class, and the jig is up. She has to start unfurling her baby-sized secret to others. She starts with Naomi, who fully offers her support mainly because she feels guilty for misconstruing AAdrianna's fainting spell for a relapse and spreading that rumor around school. Next AAdrianna tells Navid, who runs away, literally. He eventually admits that he is not man enough for this responsibility. So that leaves the crack baby with two mommies, one of which is Naomi, who will undoubtedly make every effort to make this family everything she never had with her biological relatives. Poor crack baby.
It's also trouble in paradise for Dixon and the ever-acerbic Silver, especially when she shits all over his dream of becoming the school choir's token black kid who can sang. The rift is only widened when he decides -- under Navid's advisement, yikes! -- to tell her he loves her. Silver reacts horribly, taking a sand castle down in the process. The not-yet-lovers reconnect at school, and Adele sings out their demise, too. WTF, 90210? Why you gotta be like that?
Come back on Thursday for the full weecap of this episode.
Previously: Ethan and Annie became America's smuggest couple. AAdrianna fell down the rabbit hole, eventually forcing Naomi to rip her a new asshole for being too busy ODing to bail Naomi out of a situation that was pretty much entirely of her own, over-permed making. By the time AAdrianna recovered, Naomi had formed an unholy alliance with The Blendeds, West Bev's answer to The Plastics. So AAdrianna comforted herself on lonely nights with never-been-tapped Navid, only to discover that she got knocked up somewhere in the K-hole. She ain't nothin' but a baby mama! Dump that, dump that baby mama!
As we open, Annie sits in front of a fan watching Kansan blizzard coverage. She complains to Ethan over the phone that her friends back in Kansas will get a snow day. Only Annie could find fault with perpetually warm, sunny weather. She says it's so hot, she's wearing "practically nothing." Ethan's ears perk up, and he asks, "What kind of nothing?" She fibs that she's wearing a black negligee, as opposed to the virgin-white tank dress and bra she's actually wearing. She starts to describe it all sexy-like, but Debbie cuts into Baby's First Phone Sex and tells her to hang up because it's late. Annie's a total brat, as always. They dispense of their good nights, but then a twist: Ethan tells Annie he loves her. She says it back, and they both beam. Ah, phone sex. The gateway to storybook romance!
The next morning, Annie and Dixon run lines for one of Tabitha's auditions. She changes a line because she doesn't think she's plausible as a grandma. Mmhmm. Annie notes that the film is about a female, 70-something, knitting Civil War hero, so plausibility is not so much a factor. Tabby runs the line as-is, then Debbie interrupts to ask why the air conditioner was off. Tabby says she turned it off to preserve her vocal chords. Of course Debbie takes issue with this, given the heat wave, but Tabby plays the "I paid for this house" card and shuts her up.
Debbie moves on, reminding the kids to do their chores. Tabby undercuts her, saying that's what the help is for. Debbie starts pulling out her iron fist, insisting she wants to instill good, wholesome Midwestern values into the young 'uns. An eyebrow-arching staring contest ensues, which the kids have to break up by conceding to do their chores. Annie asks Dixon if she can borrow the car to hang out with Ethan. He claims to have an extracurricular activity and intentionally does not name it, so she sticks him with the chores. As she heads out, Annie tells Tabby to break a leg for good luck, and Debbie snidely repeats, "Yeah, break a leg." More arched eyebrows from Tabby.