Hello, my lovelies, it's your regular weecapper here. Utmost apologies for my absence last Tuesday, but I recently moved to Canada, wherein I was challenged to an impromptu bearskin wrestling match with a member of the RCMP. Let's just say those Mounties can be really sore losers. Luckily, my full body cast leaves a few fingers free for typing. At any rate, I think my weekly sojourn to the Hills of Beverly will be good for my recovery, since the palm trees and saline implants will break up the impending blizzard-view from my window. But enough of that, we've got Letourneau-esque sexual tension, illegitimate children, and overly emotive renditions of Spring Awakening to discuss...

Previously on 90210, we met a whole slew of stars better known for other roles, who can only hope to hold a candle to the charter citizens of the world's most famous (and cutthroat) zip code. At the center of it all is the Wilson family, headed by West Beverly alum Rob Estes -- who will always be Sergeant Chris Lorenzo from Silk Stalkings in my heart -- and Aunt Becky from Full House. Their daughter Annie, a.k.a. Darcy from Degrassi (shout out to Toronto!) has already won all the boys' hearts in the Bev-Niner with her cock-eyed naïveté and utterly spastic dance moves. Their son Dixon hopes his WASP-y moniker and lacrosse skills will make up for the fact that he's adopted and... gasp... black!

There to greet them with a swift shake of the hand and slap in the face are so-bitchy-her-hair-is-curly Naomi; her ex-ish boyfriend Ethan; Adrianna, a wannabe Lohan who doesn't get that you develop the drug problem after becoming famous; and (Erin) Silver. I know it's her surname and all, but if there's any better expression of her subconscious awareness that she's second best -- less wondrous than Kelly, less effectively bitchy than Naomi -- then I'd be hard pressed to find it. Hence all the emo-angsty lashing out. Silver's got it tough, guys. Tough.

And not to be forgotten, of course, are the completely ineffectual adults. There's Naomi's mother, who Sgt. Lorenzo's knocked up and abandoned way back when; teacher-slash-coach-slash-possible pedophile Ryan Matthews; guidance counselor extraordinaire Kelly Taylor (squeal!) and her bastard son; and, also back in town for a twirl is Brenda Walsh. And, OMG, I almost forgot the Wilson's acerbically awesome grandma, played by Jessica Walter. Her name is technically Tabitha, but to me she'll always be Lucille Bluth, a.k.a. "Gangy."

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