It's Valentine's Day in the Bev Niner, kids. It's also Westminster Dog Show week, and I took time from admiring pooch pictures for this, so these bitches better serve.
Rhonda comes clean to Ethan about exaggerating her injuries. Lame. Where is the potential for deceptive tomfoolery in that? Ethan's on some bullshit "Life's too short" trip, so he forgives her and begins hanging out with her constantly. Annie would be upset if she weren't busy getting reamed out by her new acting coach. Rhonda -- who I am still convinced is a scheming ho -- sees this opening and mashes up the plots of Never Been Kissed, Mean Girls, and Marilyn Monroe's last day to garner sympathy points from Ethan. Annie knows a good acting job when she sees one, and cribs Rhonda's story to impress her acting teacher. Unfortunately, Ethan sees her little performance and is super-pissed. He takes his anger all the way to West Bev's V-Day dance, where Rhonda adds Fatal Attraction to the Netflix queue that is her life and decides it's time to strike. All I can say is... Bitch crazy! Hopefully this results in a massive nervous breakdown and/or abduction and/or roofie incident in the near future.
Inspired by Whitney Houston as Queen of the Night, Silver brings the zany this week when she gets a mind to secure a reservation at the most in-demand restaurant in town -- conveniencidentally at the hotel where Naomi is staying. Silver inexplicably thinks a British accent will spur her conquest along. Ultimately, she gets the reservation, and Naomi gets to flirt with a sexy bartender. Silver urges Naomi to proposition the bartender with a bottle of champagne -- which his parents don't like too much, seeing as he is in high school. Whoops! Things go a little better on Silver's end, despite some psycho girlfriend stuff on her part. Dixon blows her away with a silver ID bracelet, Kevin Arnold-style, so she decides to take their relationship to the next level. That would be sex. But, hold up! Then she takes it to the next-next level, and gets Dixon's name tattooed on her hip. Holy crap! Methinks she and Rhonda will soon be fast friends.
Elsewhere, Navid hurts AAdrianna by insulting her in front of a crowd -- and his new girlfriend -- at school. He almost immediately apologizes, which she accepts, then she somehow gets wangled into helping him romance the new lady. You know, AAdrianna, falling on the metaphorical sword won't actually get rid of the crack baby, right? Consigned to spending V-Day with Ingrid Bergman, AAdrianna settles into her PJs. And then we hear the click-clack of horse hooves. It's Navid, who loves her -- crack baby, chocolate-smeared mouth, and all!
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It's morning in L.A., and a scantily clad Naomi struts around her suite at the hotel where she has sought refuge from her misanthropic father and all his cruel rules. Yes, I said "suite." Clearly that man is ruling with an iron fist... full of money. Naomi has become pals with the entire staff and is loving life as the Lindsay Lohan of the W Hotel. She saunters smugly downstairs and is surprised to meet a new bartender. He has heard of her because Robert, the other bartender, warned him about her. Though he puts it more kindly: "Robert told me to expect you... though I wasn't expecting you." Smooth. Almost as good as "Hey baby, what's your sign" or "How you doin'?" He hands over her morning latte with extra foam. Insert obvious joke about Naomi being a girl who likes a man who gives good head...
Their foreplay is interrupted by a snooty British customer berating one of the other hotel employees. The man needs a drink, and he needs it bad -- despite the fact that it's well before 10 a.m. when the bar opens. He pulls out all manner of insults to brow beat the guy into submission, but New Guy intervenes right after "I'll call INS and get you shipped back to Mexico faster than you can say 'boo-rito,'" which is a damn shame because the Brit was really on a roll. New Guy employs a mix of comedy, impudence, and finally brute strength to put the jerk in his place. Naomi's looks on with loins afire.
Over at West Bev, the walls are plastered with all manner of crepe hearts. Dixon catches Silver buying him a Valentine's Day flower and they exchange about 3.5 hours of mushy riffs on "I love you." Silver even admits to hearing Whitney Houston on the radio and actually relating. She promises, "I. Will always. Love you." Dixon is all, "Who are you and what have you done with Silver?" They walk on, discussing Silver's mysterious Valentine's Day plans for them.
They cross paths with Ethan and Annie, who have decidedly lower-key Valentine's plans: He suggests a dinner date before the dance. She mentions that she got into an acting class, so he'll have to pick her up from there. He wonders why she didn't mention the class earlier. She admits it's awkward talking about acting since he discovered that life is more than just the stage and basically told her to shut the eff up. He apologizes, but she continues whining, so, when, he spots Rhonda the Collapsed Lung (fake) struggling with her book bag, he takes off while Annie is still mid-sentence. Can't say I blame him.
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