I hope Jason Priestley and screenwriter Steven Hanna got their technical jollies out in this episode, because it was about 50% writerly self-indulgence, 40% visual flash, 7% useless B-plot and 3% actual plot developments. I do not watch this show for 3%, people.
Silver's reign of crazy carries over from last week, sending all the gang in different directions, with various degrees of awkward interaction. Silver herself heads straight to the train station, convinced that things will all make sense if she can study Dixon's Kansan chemical reactions (something about baking soda?). She encounters a pickpocket with a heart of gold -- or so it would appear. He's actually a concerned citizen who helps all the other self-absorbed ninnies in the Bev Niner make good on their sins by rescuing Silver.
Harry and Debbie spend the episode alternately numb from shock re: Dixon's erect penis and flipping out (mainly Debbie) about how life in the BH fast lane is ruining her children. (And they haven't even met Liam yet!) Dixon, too, is numb. Silver actually calls him at one point, freak flag flying high, and the SOB hangs up! Harsh. Eventually, with the aforementioned concerned citizen's help, the three Wilsons I don't hate find Silver on the tracks and have a good old-fashioned intervention. Dixon seals the deal when he connects the dots between his bipolar mother and Silver's recent "drama queen" behavior. He promises to be there for her as they get help. And he actually will be, because Debbie decides that it would be okay for the family to remain in this zip code for the foreseeable future.
Annie and Ethan scour West Bev with Naomi. Roiling resentments make it an ugly situation at first, but Annie and Naomi eventually overcome their differences and become BFFs again. I, for one, think Annie is just momentarily blinded by Naomi's street-sign-yellow vest. Annie realizes she's a self-obsessed twit and decides to be less of an ass. Naomi recognizes that you catch more flies with honey than day-glo accessories. Everybody wins!
Kelly and Matthews share a passive-aggressive car ride in which she takes out all the remnants of her still-simmering anger on him, and he calls her a bad guardian. A visit to Grandma Jackie's house brings Kelly over to Team Matthews, but he switches back to Team Kelly and assures her that she really doesn't suck that much. They make up, sans kiss, and Kelly arrives at the train station in time for a dramatic reunion hug with her wigged-out younger sis.
AAdrianna and Navid man Fort Taylor whilst everyone else is away. The benefits are threefold: Lots of making out, semi-responsible care for long-lost Sam, and an opportunity to cultivate AAdrianna's mothering instinct. Very little happens, though because Navid = underused. Fix it, show runner! And bring back Tabby! That is all.
Previously: Silver be crazy.
We open exactly where we left off -- in Matthews' Melrose Place digs. Silver continues her conspiracy theorist ranting and grabs another wine bottle to fling at his head. Is it just me, or does Matthews have an endless supply of wine bottles on hand? That's not how it goes down in my house. They're there, then they're gone. No in between. No saving for a special occasion. A sign of alcoholism, perhaps? At any rate, Matthews continues his efforts to placate Silver. He offers to "call Dixon" and fess up to all his "lies." Silver briefly breaks eye contact to glance at the phone, and Matthews sweeps in to pin her down. Surprisingly, being physically restrained calms her down -- that or she was asphyxiated by fumes from Matthews' excessive hair gel.
Silver bawls about her disastrous romp into cinematic genius. She says she never knew Dixon at all. Matthews, still not quiiiite getting that she is certifiable bonkers, tries to talk some sense into her with the standard line that she doesn't have to have it all figured out. She's all, "Oh, but I do!" He tells her to get some rest and offers to call Kelly. She mentions her bleeding hand, so he runs to get bandages, all the while being tracked by Silver's crazy eyes. Matthews riffles around in his bathroom long enough to give Silver a chance to escape -- or wedge herself into the lamest hiding place ever under his teeny-tiny kitchen table. Doesn't take much to pull one over old Ryan Matthews, though, apparently, so he goes a-lookin' for her. She waits about a half a hot second before scampering out to find the nearest Nutters Anonymous meeting.
Across town, Annie and Ethan carry on with their tearful hilltop break-up. She gets a call from Debbie and has to go home immediately. Ethan offers to drive her.
What follows is a screenwriter's wet dream, as various groups (Debbie/Harry/Dixon and Matthews/Kelly) put together all the instances of Silver's breakdown up to this point, beginning with the loss of innocence, the acquisition of a tattoo, the amateur porn, and the break-in. Navid and AAdrianna join in from a Chinese restaurant, with Naomi chiming in from West Bev's parking lot. The scene crescendos as all of the above parties make a laundry list of all the possible drugs Silver could have ingested to bring her to this manic frenzy. AAdrianna is particularly useful in this capacity. Also thrown in for good measure? Naomi justifying why people would tape sexual encounters. And before you think this scene has too much going on, the writer shoehorns in a joke in which Naomi mistakenly believes that AAdrianna's pet name for Navid is "sesame balls." Ugh. Eventually, everyone resolves to find Silver. Dixon buries his face in his hands: "Oh God, what is happening?" Credits.