In light of, you know, the shifting sands of history and such, did you really watch 9021-hos last night? No? Well good. Because I did! And what better time to intermingle drama and democracy, for there is much to be learned.
The Wilson kids learn of their bastard half-brother. Dixon lets it digest while Annie is a big ol' brat. What's new? Speaking of the rube herself, Annie lets Ethan convince her that it's a good idea to hide their relationship at all costs and simultaneously make out in every clandestine location this side of Fred Segal.
We learn that Silver is a giver -- misguided, but a giver nonetheless. She senses the stress among the girls of the Bev Niner and decides to throw a slumber party. Would you be surprise if I told you that it turns into a raging, booze-filled house party? Naomi enlists her new bestie Annie to run interference while she scores some alone time with detention Ozzy. This would work well if Annie weren't three sheets to the wind and horny for Ethan. As such, Naomi nearly finds her ex-BF and new BFF all up in each other's business. Ultimately, Annie gets all weepy-weepy about lying to Naomi and being lied to by Harry. One results in throwing up in the bushes, another results in a heart-to-heart. It's yours to guess which is which.
We also learn that AAdrianna's favors Buttered Popcorn Jelly Bellies. Should I be worried that I do, too? Though, if it lands me a guy like Navid, who sorts jelly beans for his beloved, then siiiiigh. These earn their high school stripes when, at the party, he suggests they "go some place more private" -- which, in normal guy parlance that means "Let's hump" but in Navid parlance means "Let's watch sea turtle docs on Discovery Channel." Natch, casting couch veteran AAdrianna is baffled when Navid refuses to let her repay him for footing her bill to rehab with cold, hard sex. Eventually they make amends and proceed with their courtship.
Finally, we learn that Matthews has absolutely no discretion. His taboo affair with Kimberly escalates as Kim gets closer to the source of las drogas at West Bev -- and by "the source," I guess we mean George, that random blonde kid that Naomi made out with that time. He seems to be a no-go until precisely the right time that he should stumble upon Kim getting into Matthews' car after the party. Long story short, Matthews will be taking a paid leave of absence, stat.
And, finally, we learn that Naomi is ready to move on from her epic saga with Ethan. That is, until she sees him making out with Annie and finds another reason to be a victim.
Come back on Thursday for the complete weecap. Until then, see how the new cast stacks up against the old cast.
Previously: Harry's lovechild drove a wedge in his relationship with Debbie. Naomi sassy-flirted with a boy in detention. Matthews tried to be the number one narc at West Bev, only to discover he'd been outfoxed by sexy undercover cop Kimberly. Navid paid for AAdrianna's rehab in hopes of winning her heart. Naomi gave Annie an ultimatum: Me or Ethan. Shockingly, Annie chose to tongue tango with Ethan but hasn't gotten around to telling Naomi yet.
This week, Judah-Sachs decides to get right to some actual drama. Who woulda thunk? We open on Casa Wilson. Harry drops a succession of bombs, which I'll paraphrase: "I dated Crazy Eyes." Boom! "She got pregnant." Blam! "I handed her a wad of crusty bills and told her to 'take care of it.'" Kablooey! "She didn't, and now you have a bastard half-brother who will undoubtedly eventually show up to further divide your share of the family fortune." Bleep bloop.
Dixon reacts in his usual thoughtful manner. His main concern is that Harry now has a (biological) son, but Harry assures him that Dixon always will be his first son (though not chronologically, I guess). Annie responds in a typically brat-tastical manner. She feels left out on the two-month-old gossip that will soon be exposed to the whole world -- or at least to Naomi, who, come to think of it, loves to blab her "Woe is me!" tales to anyone in ear shot... so, fair enough, the whole world. Harry keeps his Danny Tanner cool and tries to draw out his kids' feelings. They excuse themselves to go to school. Debbie and Harry pick shrapnel out of their arms and agree it could have been worse. Yeah, like if Annie had suddenly imploded -- actually, that would have been better.
Dixon and Annie pull up to West Bev in the crap wagon. Annie throws a dig at Harry for rehearsing his "I knocked up Crazy Eyes" monologue. While Dixon gives him the benefit of the doubt, Annie is all over blaming him for stifling her social life and calling him a hypocrite for being sexually active at a young age. What she should realize is that he might, in fact, regret those decisions and be looking out for his daughter, but whatevs. She's in drama mode, and no one can stop her. Dixon asks what is really bugging her. She, in turn, wonders why he's so calm. He admits that it's weird but, in not so many words, says that he's giving it time to digest.
Later, Annie talks to Ethan, who is similarly weirded out by the news. Annie notes the one more layer of complication that this information adds to her relationship with Naomi. That, plus the fact that she's getting regularly groped by Naomi's ex. Ethan tries to play it cool, but Annie says they've hit a fork in the road. The dreaded fork also known as "Calculus," in which "U + Me = Us." Ethan somehow manages to convince Annie that they should keep the relationship quiet and give Naomi time to shift her rabid attention-seeking over to some other boy. And the best part, in his estimation, is that they can be making out in shadowy locations the whole time! I suspect this is the exact speech that Ethan once gave to Hummer Girl. Either way, Annie goes for it. Ethan suggests being "you and me" after school. She agrees.