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Lady Lola: B+ | Grade It Now!
Pillow Blight
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Previously: Harry's lovechild drove a wedge in his relationship with Debbie. Naomi sassy-flirted with a boy in detention. Matthews tried to be the number one narc at West Bev, only to discover he'd been outfoxed by sexy undercover cop Kimberly. Navid paid for AAdrianna's rehab in hopes of winning her heart. Naomi gave Annie an ultimatum: Me or Ethan. Shockingly, Annie chose to tongue tango with Ethan but hasn't gotten around to telling Naomi yet.

This week, Judah-Sachs decides to get right to some actual drama. Who woulda thunk? We open on Casa Wilson. Harry drops a succession of bombs, which I'll paraphrase: "I dated Crazy Eyes." Boom! "She got pregnant." Blam! "I handed her a wad of crusty bills and told her to 'take care of it.'" Kablooey! "She didn't, and now you have a bastard half-brother who will undoubtedly eventually show up to further divide your share of the family fortune." Bleep bloop.

Dixon reacts in his usual thoughtful manner. His main concern is that Harry now has a (biological) son, but Harry assures him that Dixon always will be his first son (though not chronologically, I guess). Annie responds in a typically brat-tastical manner. She feels left out on the two-month-old gossip that will soon be exposed to the whole world -- or at least to Naomi, who, come to think of it, loves to blab her "Woe is me!" tales to anyone in ear shot... so, fair enough, the whole world. Harry keeps his Danny Tanner cool and tries to draw out his kids' feelings. They excuse themselves to go to school. Debbie and Harry pick shrapnel out of their arms and agree it could have been worse. Yeah, like if Annie had suddenly imploded -- actually, that would have been better.

Dixon and Annie pull up to West Bev in the crap wagon. Annie throws a dig at Harry for rehearsing his "I knocked up Crazy Eyes" monologue. While Dixon gives him the benefit of the doubt, Annie is all over blaming him for stifling her social life and calling him a hypocrite for being sexually active at a young age. What she should realize is that he might, in fact, regret those decisions and be looking out for his daughter, but whatevs. She's in drama mode, and no one can stop her. Dixon asks what is really bugging her. She, in turn, wonders why he's so calm. He admits that it's weird but, in not so many words, says that he's giving it time to digest.

Later, Annie talks to Ethan, who is similarly weirded out by the news. Annie notes the one more layer of complication that this information adds to her relationship with Naomi. That, plus the fact that she's getting regularly groped by Naomi's ex. Ethan tries to play it cool, but Annie says they've hit a fork in the road. The dreaded fork also known as "Calculus," in which "U + Me = Us." Ethan somehow manages to convince Annie that they should keep the relationship quiet and give Naomi time to shift her rabid attention-seeking over to some other boy. And the best part, in his estimation, is that they can be making out in shadowy locations the whole time! I suspect this is the exact speech that Ethan once gave to Hummer Girl. Either way, Annie goes for it. Ethan suggests being "you and me" after school. She agrees.

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