Annie opens the episode where she closed last week's: On the phone with suicidal Jasper. She quickly realizes he's going to hurl himself from the Hollywood sign in true dramatic wanker fashion. Luckily, the dipshit can't even kill himself right. He makes it out with a couple broken legs, a sprained shoulder, and a one-way ticket to the psych ward. Annie pretends she cares about his physical and mental health for a hot second until he calls her out for just wanting him to keep his trap shut about her hobo hit-and-run. Despite her admission she'll never love him, or even be with him, Jasper promises never to expose her murderous ways. Man, he really is crazy. What follows is perhaps the foremost of Annie's very few awesome moments (one of which being when she lied that she slept with Liam just to stick it to Naomi) as she struts out of the hospital, her martyred expression twisting itself into a grotesque, self-gratified grin.

Speaking of lying liars and the lies they tell, Naomi effectively paints herself into a corner after claiming she was sexually harassed by a teacher. Seeing what perks it has in the form of friends' support and nookie from Liam, she lets the lie float around like the aftermath of a particularly juicy fart. She even makes a fake therapy appointment to keep the love of her mystified minions. Naturally, this pace can't keep on forever. Her hand is forced when she hams up the PTSD a little too much and Liam decides to take matters into his own hands -- or should I say fists? He gets all tough-guy with Naomi's supposed harasser, scoring an audience with Harry. Naomi busts up the expulsion session, and finds herself facing down a moral dilemma: Fess up to her ever-mushrooming fib or stick to the script? I think you can pretty well guess which one she chooses.

And completing the liefecta, Dixon and Ivy band together in their loserdom and decide the quickest way to creative waves in their couple-infested friendship group is to... become a couple? They prove themselves to be the five-year-old boys we all knew they were by dubbing each other with fecally inspired pet names. Ugh. Even when Naomi seemingly cottons on to their scheme, Ivy ups the stakes by making out with Dixon. He raises no objections to a little bullshit booty, so they carry on with their charade. I'd compare them to Rachel and Puck, but, frankly, it would be an insult even to that ill-conceived machination. Not to mention that Dixon seems to be buying into his own con by episode's end. Get with the program, man!

And then there were... Silver and Teddy, who spend the whole time one-upping each other on who knows the other better. Silver wins most of the face-offs handily, until Teddy surprises her with a heartfelt present (a vintage copy of Madame Bovary) that proves he's been listening all along. Someone else who's been listening -- likely to her own detriment -- is RuWill, who has become a roadie-slash-groupie for AAdrianna's band The Glorious Steinems. On the brink of their first gig, it becomes clear AAdrianna's not ready to out herself in their relationship yet. Then, when she has a just-for-plot-purposes case of stage fright, she realizes she has to face her fears in all areas of life and publicly kisses her new girlfriend to celebrate a gig well done. Well done by some standards -- low ones, namely.