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Lady Lola: D | Grade It Now!
Fire Crotches
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Previously: Annie inched toward surrogacy. Dixon's ex had a hysterical pregnancy. AAdrianna committed grand theft Auto-tune. Teddy had a big, gay adventure with a Canadian pop star. Silver finally believed Naomi about Cannon... just in time for Naomi to OD on pills -- okay, nearly OD. None of us are that lucky.

Zoom in on Naomi in the hospital, groggy post-stomach pump. She grouses that she looks like a Cullen after all the physical trauma. Silver approaches her with kid gloves, but Naomi insists her OD was accidental. Silver urges her to come forward. Naomi refuses and begs her not to tell anyone.

The next day, Dixon jabbers for about a million hours about how his shirt makes him look like a turtle. In doing so, he manages to bore Ivy enough that she'll do anything to make him stop, including offering to cash in her V-card with him. And yet, even after they agree to sexy times, he goes back to the shirt! Gah. They're interrupted when Dixon spots his hot DJ ex in the distance. He breaks away to talk to her, but the conversation cuts short when he gives her big time attitude. He heads back to Ivy, who is naturally curious, but Dixon emphatically says that his ex isn't worth the breath it would take to talk about her.

Inside, Teddy nervously spots his gay lovah talking to Silver. He skitters up and wonders what they were talking about. She chipperly says it's for a benefit they're working on, then scurries off when she spots AAdrianna. She approaches just as AAdrianna leaves a frantic message for the uncle of that beloved, half-baked pop sensation Navid Lite, because he knows she stole NL's material. Silver asks if everything's okay, and AAdrianna brushes it off. Moving on, Silver mentions that the benefit she's working on is for breast cancer. Among other things, it will include a bachelor auction about which AAdrianna vouches Navid will be rocking his Blue Steel best. Silver asks AAdrianna if she'll sing the song from NL's memorial, but AAdrianna covers it'll bring up too many bad memories, and Silver is totally understanding.

La Nueva Casa. Annie's Coffee Cutie (who you might also remember in the role of Liam's half-brother) reads Shakespeare to her as foreplay. They're interrupted by a phone call from Annie's boss, who noticed that Annie missed several days of work and wonders if she scared Annie off with the surrogacy talk. Annie assures her everything's fine, and gets back to macking on CC. Unfortunately, he has to depart (it's such sweet sorrow!), so they make plans to hang out later. Moments after he leaves, the doorbell rings. Annie thinks it's CC, who left his copy of Twelfth Night. No dice. It's just Liam who got his man bangs all prettied up and has nowhere to go but to see Annie. Before Annie can get a word out, Dixon appears to tell her that he offered their home as a temporary crash pad for Liam. Liam promises to stay out of Annie's way, which means they're totally having sex tonight.

Beach club. AAdrianna promises NL's uncle Victor that she'll never sing the pilfered pop confections again. On the contrary, he tells her, she'll sing them until her lips bleed. He's taken over as her manager and is planning to make that money-money now that his top recording artist has kicked the bucket. AAdrianna will have to do, it seems. She naively says she doesn't think she needs a manager, but he makes it pretty clear that she has no choice in the matter. Also? He'll be taking 50% percent of her earnings. If she doesn't accept this arrangement, he'll have to tell the press about her thievin' ways. He tells her it'll work out great, just like it did for "that Milli Vanilli guy who didn't OD." His name is Fabrice Morvan, baldy. Don't get it twisted! He says her first gig is this Saturday night, for some A&R bigwigs. She says she's already booked at the cancer benefit, but he couldn't care less because the other gig is making him 10 grand, which he expects from her if she doesn't show. He tells her he's not in the charity business, he's in the money-making business, and she's going to be his "number one money maker." Please tell me this character arc devolves into some sort of sordid sex slavery opera. No? Well, a girl can dream! Credits.

West Bev. Silver puts the finishing touches on the benefit. Teddy swoops in like super boyfriend to tell her there was a problem with some lights, but he fixed it. After that, AAdrianna drops by to break the bad news to Silver. Only problem is, Silver's already printed the programs with AAdrianna as the headliner. Making matters worse, the benefit is almost entirely sold out. AAdrianna tries to meet in the middle, asking Silver if she can afford to pay her. Silver blanches at the $10,000 price, so AAdrianna backs out of the gig.

That night, Annie catches up with the long-lost Debbie, who is looking for a job now that she's single. Unfortunately, some of the websites are for a different kind of "job" entirely, and Debbie isn't really looking for a mid-life career change that involves buying a whole new latex wardrobe. That vomitous image in her mind, Annie runs off to change while Debbie lets CC in for their date. Meanwhile upstairs, Liam asks Dixon about Annie's comings and goings. Dixon tells Liam that Annie's dating a new guy, so Liam comes up with a flimsy excuse to go downstairs and check this mystery man out. Once there, he only sees Annie, and they exchange an awkward glance as she leaves.

MILF Manor. Ivy approaches her MILF to say she's ready to sleep with Dixon. It's all in all a supportive conversation, and Ivy admits that she's worried about being bad in bed -- especially after seeing Dixon's hot, older ex. MILF goes into her bedside table, a.k.a. the Congressional Library of Condoms, to give Ivy a rubber, and it's at this point that Ivy realizes she just got herself into a really uncomfortable conversation and flees, sans prophylactic.

Back at West Bev, Silver preps the guys for the bachelor auction. Dixon and Navid exchange "your mom" barbs before Silver unveils her revolutionary idea of starting the auction with a dance number. The guys groan at the thought of taking the Bev Niner the way of Chippendales. Naturally, newly gay-gay-gay Teddy is all over it. You know, because those 'mos like to dance! The writers totally put that in there on purpose, thinking they were clever. It is utterly ridiculous that Teddy has suddenly gone all Broadway after some out-of-nowhere one-time fling with an aspiring choreographer. Who, it so happens, is the choreographer for the benefit dance that Teddy is now wishing he hadn't been so enthusiastic over. I'm sure they'll have plenty of onr-on-one dance lessons in the days to come. I would pay good money to see Teddy and this guy -- Ian, BTW -- re-enact "Love is Strange" from Dirty Dancing. Nobody puts Ian in a corner!

Speaking of HoYay!, Liam wakes Dixon up in the middle of the night to be all Chatty Cathy with him about Annie. He's stressed that Annie isn't home yet. Then they hear the door slam, indicating she's home, and Dixon tells Liam to drop it. Instead, he trots out his previously flimsy excuse so he can bust in on Annie in the bathroom. Shirtless. This totally happened to Brandon Walsh when his high school crush came to town and robbed him of his virginity. That was pretty hot. This, not so much (six pack aside). Annie clearly gets hot and bothered at the sight of Liam, and he marches proudly back into the bedroom to tell Dixon that he's still got his talons around Annie. All he has to do now is show her his "softer side," whatever that is. Dixon speaks for the whole word in saying, "I hate you."

The next day, Navid enters AAdrianna's room as she readies herself for the A&R guy's birthday party that night. He wonders why she asked for money for the auction. She insists her new manager knows what's best, saying she's doing this for her career. Navid is unconvinced, so she lashes out, telling him to stop judging and support her. Before he can respond, she whirls out of the room.

West Bev. Annie compliments Silver for all the hard work she's done on the benefit. Silver casually mentions that Debbie's donation check bounced, and they agree it must be some sort of bank snafu. Then Naomi breezes in and offers to help. Silver tries to pair her and Annie up, but Annie is still pissed that Naomi called her a murderer at the Super Sweet 18 bash. Naomi tries to excuse herself but can't go into the reasons why she's been struggling lately, so Annie holds on to her grudge. Naomi smoothes things over by saying she'll buy a table instead and walks away hurt. Silver says Annie should forgive Naomi, but Annie does what she does best and acts like a massive, under-informed brat.

Later, Silver watches as Ian begins his quest to bring the Thunder from Down Under to Beverly Hills. Some of the guys are predictably good (Dixon, Navid). Others are predictably oafish (Liam, Teddy). Ian tries to give Teddy some pointers, but the tennis pro is all, "No homo!" Ian keeps prodding until Teddy goes all Isaiah Washington on his ass, dropping the F-bomb to Silver's shock and awe. Ian walks away angrily while all the other guys wonder what to do next. Hint: Kick ball change, circle hip! Silver tells the guys to take a break so she can read Teddy the riot act for being a big, fat bigot. Teddy tries to explain himself, saying he was frustrated, but Silver isn't buying that line of homophobic bullshit.

Outside, Ivy teases Dixon that she's stuck bidding for him at the bachelor auction. She sheepishly tells him they can head back to her place and "try something new" afterward because MILF is out of town. He flirts, "Don't feel bad, a lot of people have to pay for their first time." Ah, prostitution humor!

That night, Navid surprises AAdrianna with flowers before her gig. He apologizes for not being supportive and promises to have her back. Victor the sleaze interrupts their innocent peck to tell her that she should "rub up" on the birthday boy because he has a thing for young girls. AAdrianna's all, "Meet my boyfriend!" Not to be taken off task

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