Silver ambles her way into Catholic school, hoping to turn over a new leaf -- or to rip the tree out of the ground, burn it in a massive funeral pyre for her old self, forget it ever existed, and hop onto an entirely different tree, as it were. This rubs Dixon the wrong way when she informs him that he is not allowed to have any part of her school life and/or social life and/or life in general. This ruler slap on the wrist is inspired when Dixon pays a surprise visit to her at Our Lady of the Reformed Porn Stars. Her new BFF, the Catholic man's Tracy Flick, sees him and puts together the porny pieces (turns out even good girls have seen Silver's masterpiece). So Catholic man's Tracy Flick guilts the holy Hell out of Silver by threatening to fast until Silver makes a mass confession to the whole school. Instead of Hail Marys, Silver gets dirty looks and an even holier-than-thou level of shit-talking than she would have gotten at West Bev. She misguidedly blames Dixon, who quickly reminds Silver that she's not the only one who dealt with the repercussions of her episode. These two aren't going to last much longer, are they?
But never fear! AAdrianna and Navid are rapidly claiming the title of West Bev's most de-lovely couple. At the beginning of this week's arc, they're still on Cloud Nine, which is soon overtaken by storm clouds are set on dampening the happy couple's love parade. Namely, Navid's parents' lack of support for him adopting the crack baby. Also, Naomi reminds AAdrianna to tell Navid that Ty is the baby's father. Both of these little shit storms joins forces after Navid chooses AAdrianna over his parents and re-proposes even more awesomely and romantically than last time (who knew it was possible?). This forces AAdrianna to come clean about the baby's paternity. What follows is very likely the best piece of acting that has ever or will ever be on this show, though I am admittedly biased. I'm telling you, though, if the rumors are true, and they take away either one of these actors, I will be Out. For. Blood. But no worries about that now, as Navid and AAdrianna ultimately make up and start planning their lives together. Sigh...
Naomi proves to be the most annoying not-girlfriend and house guest to ever traipse this earthly realm. Liam continues treating her with thinly veiled contempt, even bailing on plans they made to hang out with his out-of-town cousin. Annie advises Naomi not to put up with that crap and, in doing so, inadvertently gets hooked into a double date with the aforementioned cousin, a.k.a. White Randy Jackson. Annie scores some points for calling Liam out on his bullshit. Liam is nothing if not predictable, though, and her prickliness turns him on. He asks her on a date. She turns him down and tattles to Naomi, who extrapolates so recklessly that she convinces herself Liam is just terrified of his intense love for her. Pffffft. Meanwhile, the Wilsons are similarly eager to get rid of the Perma Donna and eventually tell Annie as much. Convenienincidentally, Naomi's champagne-bearing older sister Jen returns to rescue Little Orphan Naomi. As you might expect, though, Jen's not all saintliness and sunshine. As the episode wraps, she runs into Ethan and tells him, "Don't worry. I won't tell Naomi I was your first." ¡Sucio!
Previously: Naomi vacated the HOtel. Silver found Jesus, or at least a way to use Jesus to escape her porno past. AAdrianna and Navid got engaged!
Zoom out on a portrait of Navid and AAdrianna's wedding, complete with him clutching her low-carrying belly. Navid brings some freshly pureed carrots to AAdrianna, who turns around and has a tot in one of those marsupial slings. Bring it, flash forward! Navid is going to be the awesomest and dorkiest dad ever, as he coos to the baby, "Organic veg-tuh-bulls coming in for a wanding!" Airplane sound effects included. The baby gives a kickass "Whatever, bitch" face that immediately elevates it to, like, the best actor on this show to date. AAdrianna refers to the tyke as Hannah. Cut back to reality, where Navid thinks Hannah is an odd name for a boy. AAdrianna breaks it to him that she is not going to be a boy. He begs to differ, insisting they name their son Habib. AAdrianna thinks the kid will be immediately set up for teasing, but Navid thinks Habib is a name both masculine and sensitive, so they return to daydreaming.
In this dream, the tot is dressed up in a tiny baseball uniform -- and playing chess. AAdrianna reminds Navid that babies aren't intellectually capable of chess-playing. (Hell, I'm not, and I'm 26!) Navid insists that Habib will play chess when he's older. Baby Habib magically transforms into an eight-year-old. Mind you, he's still in the bassinette. With this added age, Habib is starting to look more like Lipnicki. AAdrianna says she just wants a healthy baby -- and even that's kind of aiming for the stars given her history of drug use. At this point, the baby has morphed back into a little girl in a pink sundress and matching bonnet.
Fantasy Navid checks his watch and says they need to get to school. AAdrianna asks who will take care of Hannah. Like it's the most obvious thing in the world, Navid says his parents will. Cue his parents eagerly running in with baby bottles and toys. AAdrianna steps away from the fantasy to remind Navid that his parents don't technically even know yet that she's pregnant. She suggests he tell them by himself, but he seems pretty assured of how the news will go down. He lays out their response step by step, including explosive anger, crying, America-directed hate, and finally joyous acceptance. AAdrianna wonders if Navid's mom will be concerned that he's raising another man's (crack) baby, but Navid says she'll be cool with it because she was raised by her step-father. They smooch blissfully.