In Which Naomi Ruins Everything

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Lady Lola: B- | Grade It Now!

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In Which Naomi Ruins Everything

By Lady Lola | Season 1 | Episode 22 | Aired on 05.05.2009

In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Not for nothing, the word "bash" is synonymous for both a party and a beating.

Naomi partners with Annie to throw a baby shower-slash-bachelorette party for AAdrianna. This consists of noshing on food from every starfucker restaurant in town and modeling toilet paper dresses on a homemade runway at the Casa. Elsewhere, the guys -- spearheaded by Liam, of course -- get Navid wasted and surrounded by poontang at a strip club bachelor party. In tandem shit-tastic plotlines, Navid's mother crashes the shower to tell AAdrianna she's making a huge mistake, thus driving AAdrianna back to the pill bottle, and a spunky sorority girl tells Navid not to get married. Damn you, show! Navid actually proves himself worthy of these challenges. His reward? Getting his dreams crushed by AAdrianna, who realizes she is still a friggin' junkie and can't handle parenthood. They decide not to get married after all but are decidedly grown up about it and still love each other deeply. Breaking. My. Heart.

In party B-plot, Ethan makes a cameo to tell Silver that her relationship with Dixon is doomed. Also, Annie and Liam have a couple of tête-à-têtes in which Liam tries to bring out the bad girl in Annie. One bright spot in the midst of all this ugliness, Silver comes to her senses and invites Dixon to prom.

File under "New Characters Who Just Became May-jah": Jen. When she's not blackmailing Papa Clark over martinis, thereby securing Naomi's access to her trust fund now instead of when she's 21, Jen goes on a date with Matthews. The anticipation alone drives him into a vomit-inducing (on my part) existential crisis because he lied that he wrote a novel. Hemingway he ain't… not even budding YA author Lauren Conrad… He comes clean over a bottle of wine. In turn, she confesses that she blew through her million-dollar trust fund in two months -- not surprising given the drunken-sailor-esque spending she goaded Naomi into earlier in the episode. Matthews seems to take this as a joke, but, in the last moments of the episode, we get confirmation that it is indeed not as Jen starts playing Naomi like a fiddle in order to blow through Naomi's trust fund, too.

Want more? The full recap starts right below!

Previously: Dixon and Silver's relationship went up in flames, like oh so many porn tapes in oversized planters. Liam is a dirt bag. Not a dirt bag? Navid. My love for him multiplies by the second. He's probably about to get killed off.

West Bev's caf. The whole gang is mysteriously assembled, so AAdrianna and Navid announce that they're not only keeping the baby but also getting married. Cue spit take from Dixon. Naomi rains all over their parade. For some reason, such as bitterness about her own parents' divorce, she finds the marriage part of the scheme most objectionable. She notes how things change and uses Ethan and Annie's spectacular relationship nosedive as an example. More fuel to her bitter fire. Naomi goes balls to the wall telling AAdrianna about all the things she'll be missing out on, many of which I strongly doubt AAdrianna would ever experience anyway, but reality has never stopped the Perma Donna. Ethan joins in, telling Navid he'll miss out on a lot of stuff, too. Dixon, unsurprisingly, is a big proponent of adoption and encourages them to reconsider it. Navid is having none of it. He and AAdrianna leave.

Later, they walk down the street pretending like they weren't upset by the massive turning of their friends. Yeah, it's not working.

Chez Taylor. Dixon apologizes to Silver for pushing her to confess her indiscretions to her new schoolmates. He agrees to take her public-private life separation at whatever pace she needs. He does quietly slip in that this plan will make taking her to prom tough. She flatly rejects that offer, accusing him of guilting her into prom. Dixon tucks his tail between his legs and apologizes. This is going to get real old, real fast.

Elsewhere, Papa Clark meets with Naomi for afternoon martinis. He smugs that she's already worn out her welcome at the Casa and will, of course, welcome her back to the Love Shack with open arms -- provided she help him clean up his family man image. She laughs in his face. Jen arrives, shocking Papa Clark. He invites her to join the happy family back at the Shack. She essentially tells him to take his image rehab and shove it up his ass. She furthermore tells him to open up the first installment of Naomi's trust fund now so she and Jen can buy a place and live together. He asks why on earth he would do that. She blackmails him with that time he boffed her high school tennis pro. He caves and makes a swift exit. The girls split the rest of Papa's martini and gleefully plan their new lives together. Credits.

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