Who knew the linchpin of Season 2 would be some d-bag named Teddy? Certainly not me. The kids hit the beach in celebration of finishing summer school, which they had to take since Annie ratted out the one party that could ruin their summer. From love triangles to sex jams, that preppy little bugger finds a way to insinuate himself into nearly every plot line, thereby accomplishing more in 43 minutes than the whole lot of these jokers could in all of last season. I suspect we will love to hate him.
On the romance front, Navid is cuter than ever, not to mention horny like a toad. After the whole "16 and Pregnant" thing, reformed trick AAdrianna is gunshy about having sex before she's ready. He thinks she should damn well be ready by now and solicits tips from Dixon on how to make the magic happen in one of the beach club cabanas. (Where are David Silver and his keyboard when you need 'em?) Dixon's suggestions include making a sex jams mix CD. Oh dear. High jinks ensue as the two stooges secure a cabana key. Of course said key goes to waste when AAdrianna reaffirms her desire to stay celibate for a little while longer. She thinks she sex brings the drama, and she wants to be "No Drama AAdrianna" this year. Navid agrees to be "No Sex Navid," claiming he's not angry about it, but he certainly ain't happy either. In case one humiliation wasn't enough for the night, one very pissed-off house ife finds Navid's sex jams in her cabana when she stopped by to decorate for her daughter's sixth birthday party. She corners the teens and threatens to wait it out until one of them fesses up. Guess who swoops in, claims the mix, and smoothes over the problem? Teddy! But that token of good will is lost on Navid, who earlier spied AAdrianna straight-up lambada-ing with Teddy, who, by the way, was the first of about eight million guys she boned before deciding to hold out on Navid -- the one person in the world who has actually earned her love.
Also in coupledom, Dixon tries awkwardly to rekindle the romance with Silver, but she's secretly pining over text message Romeo Ethan. It's a pretty uneventful pining, honestly, because she jumps at the first chance to get back together. And then we learn that she accidentally left her phone full of sappy text messages from Ethan (d'oh!) on the beach. Guess who found it? Teddy! He casually (or totally calculatedly) mentions the text messaging to Dixon, who decides they are dunzo. Silver, however, has her eyes on the prize, and like a girl prone to dramatic highs and lows, she won't take this lying down.
Naomi is fantasizing about anyone besides Liam since she thinks he humped Annie and abandoned her. The latest loser she's taken up with is much older and turns out to be married. She confronts him on it, and his response is priceless: "Technically, yes. But [points to his heart] not in here!… I think we can find a way around this. We're bigger than labels." She turns her attentions to Teddy. In truth, he would be a good fit, but she eventually breaks down and admits that she's still carrying a torch for Liam. He shows up in the eleventh hour, looking kind of gaunt with his new hipster hair. She runs before he can explain himself.
Annie does her best impression of Bella Swan, right down to the grey jacket-blue button down ensemble. She has been hiding out in the Casa all summer after drunkenly plowing down a pedestrian the morning after prom. She learns that the guy died, and the tailspin commences. She tries to confess to Dixon what happened, but he doesn't let her get a word in edgewise as he pushes her to apologize for sleeping with Liam (which she didn't) and calling the cops on Naomi's party. He forces her to come to the beach club where everyone's partying, and she spends about five seconds getting shat on by Naomi before fleeing to the beach. Sadly, she does not stuff rocks in her pockets and walk into the waves for good. Instead, she runs into an older guy who seems kind of charming and lovely for a minute before he gets her drunk and turns all date rape-y. Goodbye, Annie's virginity! We knew ye far too long. The next day, Chuck Bass Lite shows his bros a picture he took of drunk, nekkid Annie as proof that he banged the Principal's daughter. Naturally, Naomi stumbled upon this scene and curtails her moping to see to the ruination of Annie. She prophesies to Silver and AAdrianna, "This is going to be our year."
Last season: Read the damn recaps! Must I do everything?
It's never a good sign when the season opens on a shot of Naomi running down the beach wearing something from the Real Housewives HOT couture line. She flings herself into the arms of a studly older man, shakes her hair a bit, and they slap tongues... and it's all a daydream. She's (a)roused by the ringing of a bell, and Silver happily squeals that summer school is over as students hand in their blue books. Naomi busts out into the hall and excitedly throws papers down from a balcony. It's a conceit right out of High School Musical -- but sluttier. Elsewhere, Dixon and Silver run into each other. They awkward-pause for a few seconds before he asks if he'll see her at the end of summer party later. Haven't they learned anything? Parties lead to cheating! Break-ups! Death! Naomi barrels up to them and asks all googly-like if they were just talking about getting together. Silver notes how awkward she just made things, and Dixon makes a swift exit.
They run out to catch up with a bangs-free AAdrianna and pile into a convertible, screeching at the top of their lungs that it's time for vacation, suckas! Ah, cliché-heavy dialogue, I've missed you all these months! They make their way immediately to the Beverly Hills Beach Club and, by the time they've arrived, they're in their bathing suits. I'm pretty sure there was Lori-Petty-in-Point-Break-style indecent exposure involved in that feat, but let's not dwell. There are five hours of summer daylight left before they have to go back to school!
Inside, Naomi giggles over texts from dreamy new piece, Jason. She gloats about finally dating a real man, who reads books (for fun!) and has big, meaty hands. They're interrupted when a hotel employee delivers a script to AAdrianna for a Monica Lewinsky movie musical (shout out to Potes and Djb!). But playing '90s pole smokers doesn't appeal to AAdrianna, who wants to skip the drama, both onstage and off. Thus is born "No Drama AAdrianna," who I'm sure will die of SIDS (Sudden Idiot Death Syndrome) somewhere between this week and next week. The ladies think it's a clever notion, though, and they cheers their ice cream cones to being normal, drama-free teenagers -- as if there were such a thing.
And from my keyboard to God's ears, their new pact for normality is disrupted by a snide comment from a Real Housewife -- probably the said-same who designed Naomi's fantasy dress from the first sequence. Naomi and the Housewife [To make matters worse, she's played by the terrible Elisabeth Rohm -- Angel] get into it, sniping about each other's flabby old-lady arms and need for parental supervision, respectively.