The Hills
Break-Up to Make-Up

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Here Be Dragons
see her sort of climb halfway out of her drunk so she can like take stock of whether crazy blonde wonky girl is actually trying this shit again. Oh, Allie, tell us one more time about how breaking into Brody Jenner's house was a fun game where you rob him or whatever the fuck fantasy world you've decided to create.

She tells Kristin not to hate her anymore, and that she didn't break into the house while Kristin was there: She was just there -- by invitation -- to steal a diamond ring in the middle of the night while Kristin was there. (This is by far my favorite version of the story, because it makes the least sense but has the most compelling details.) Kristin actually physically turns away from Allie, who finally defuses and goes off to bitch about how crazy Kristin is, like always, and it's pathetic as usual, and dipshitty fucking McKaela is like, "What happened?" You know what happened, you halfwit. The same thing that happens every single week because you keep bringing that bitch around. It is your behavior, yo.

Oh, pretending to work! My new favorite thing. So it's tomorrow and Kristin has picked herself up off the floor and strapped into her five-inch McQueens and headed to Culver City to visit Lo at Smashbox. First let's say hi to McKaela, who smiles brightly and awkwardly at Kristin -- who is not having any of it -- and only gets three words into her apology before Kristin takes over: "Sorry? For what, for bringing Allie?" McKaela never really has grasped the most important part, which is don't bring Allie around, because it is not a matter of probability whether she's going to act crazy and piss Kristin off, it is a certainty. That's like saying, "Sorry I dropped that vase, but how was I to know gravity would happen."

But also, you should not be hanging around with Allie! You have nearly gotten punched like twice just for hanging out with her, you get embarrassed every single time, she's the main thing standing between you and Brody's junk, she makes you look bad, she makes Kristin your enemy... If Audrina were here, McKaela, do you know what she'd say? Make a list.

Pro: Allie is so wonky looking that she makes you appear slightly less bland than you actually are. Pro: You can be twice as crazy standing next to her, and nobody will notice. (This is already happening: Con.) Pro: As I understand it, you were deposited here on a bus from Fort Knuckleduster in the Appalachians with only a valise and that jitterbugging trophy, so probably she can spot you blow.

Con: Bitch is crazy. Con: Kristin is an indefatigable embodiment of justice, and you are already two strikes down. Con: You are not interesting enough on your own to make this a workable scenario. If Allie is the Spencer, you're no Heidi: You're just Audrina. And if Audrina and Spencer had hooked up, he'd be sipping French onion soup out of her hollowed-out skull by now, on a throne made of bones. And what I see happening here is that Allie is going to end up doing just that, because you're the only person retarded enough to pay attention to her, and she's never had that experience before. So when she shows up in your house in the middle of the night, creeping-creeping into your jewelry box to find something she lost there, maybe at that point you'll get it. Or like the evil Swiss clown, it will be too late for you.

Further Con: I gotta mention the Kristin thing again, because there is never actually a reason to piss off Kristin. She's not a bad guy, she's awesome, and she doesn't want to destroy you -- she's just willing to do it, if you want her to. And you are sending her an embossed fancy invitation to do so, for reasons I still don't understand. And let's not even get into the Brody thing, because seriously even without the Kristin element spicing things up with the fear, how bad do you have to suck for Brody to even notice you have a personality, much less form an opinion about it?

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The Hills




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