The Hills
Break-Up to Make-Up

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Here Be Dragons
I know where my time goes. Maybe she's getting really good at Connect 4, like Beyoncé.) they start talking about how Ryan is just being so clingy, what with Audrina having showed up at his house, made mute monkey faces at him for awhile until he was able to parse out that she was dumping him, and immediately left to go barf up her remaining feelings. How does he not just like get it?

She brings up for group dismissal all of Ryan's totally valid questions about the breakup, like, can he actually be present for it, can she use her words, does she have any reasons beyond her life-crushing Audrina-defining ennui, was he just another expression of her essential nihilism, was it possibly related to or in the general area of how she would just spontaneously burst into tears of dread whenever he was around?

So the girls on the boat go "Whaa whaa whaa" and poor Ryan Cabrera has to celebrate his chinless fortieth birthday alone. Everybody reiterates that Audrina, emotional powerhouse that she is, knows exactly what being a grownup is like. Stephanie mentions Justin Bobby and one side of Audrina's face goes, "We're just friends!" in a way intended to crush Stephanie's soul. But the other side of her face lights up, because she forgot she was on a boat with Justin Bobby. So then she nags him at the steering wheel of the boat and acts all goofy like she does when she's "flirting," and then I guess they all just sail right off the edge of this planet?

Wait, no, they're just all so drunk shit stopped making sense. Who's that blonde version of Brody on the boat? What's his story? He looks like my buddy Wade. Then maybe they sail to Costa Rica? Is that possible? No, they are planning a trip to Costa Rica to get away from Allie and McKaela. I say just burst the blister, obviously there are things you can do that will get those girls out of your hair. Brody can shame girls publicly, I've seen him do it. Kristin can set 'em up and Brody can knock 'em down. Usually that hurts me in the feminism, but in these cases you gotta resort to deterrent measures.

Audrina and Justin Bobby snag a little one-on-one time on the boat topside, while everybody else is below decks making very little sense in the way they speak to one another. In this way, there is not a whole lot of difference between the two milieux. Frankie and the boys and Kristin and the girls, they are drunk on drinking. Audrina, she is drunk on Justin Bobby and seasickness. And Justin Bobby? He is drunk on his deep-as-deep thoughts, for those are the only kind he can think.

They talk, I don't know what they talk about. It's all quite limp and noodly and shorthandy and strange, because that is how they roll. They are not wordsmiths, or at least Audrina is not, although within Justin Bobby is the poetry of ages, of such strong stuff he doesn't even really have to say it aloud: His mere existence is the poem. We almost forget that every building is a shop and every person is a shopper, but I think what happens is that Audrina makes a list. She has learned things from having experiences, seems to be the gist. The list-gist.

Next week, in the 100th episode, everybody goes to the jungle and JB and Audrina are fabulous, but Brody fucks things up with Kristin just enough for her to pick up some rando, which is exactly I think what Brody was going for, so their bloody little game of a thousand cuts can continue forever and ever, but that's the jungle and that's a week from now. Ages. Ryan Cabrera will be a decade older by then, and Howie Day will have learned to play that one song Ryan knows how to sing, and McKaela will sleep with one or both of them, maybe at the same time, and Allie will break into a house and steal not heirloom jewelry, but a heart. And then she will go to prison.

For us, here, now, let's just be cool and say "Peace" as those two lovers find their way back to each other across an expanse as white as the sands of Costa Rica and wide as Ryan Cabrera and narrow as the space between two hearts that know just which rocks to kick, as they chat and they snuggle as the sun is setting, and a pretty OneRepublic type of song plays just for them and for their love, as they sail on and on into a glorious future beyond the bullshit that never ever ends, it just gets brighter and more noodly and more perfectly unwittingly the best thing they could ever have or do. And there will be no tears at all, and around every corner there will be no clowns at all, and they can just be cool with each other and mutually enjoy their company, taking one another for who they are and the persons they are and the hearts that they have, and nobody will ever interfere with that again.

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The Hills




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