The Osbournes
Bye Bye Babies

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Moog Indigo

Anyhoo. This is the penultimate episode. B-O-O H-O-O. Let's get started.

Sharon's room. For some reason there are all these little kids in Sharon's bed and running around the room. I like to think that she hired them for the afternoon. Ozzy tries to reason with one kid, explaining that he's going to slam his fingers in the door. The whole time Ozzy is wondering if he's actually seeing a kid or if he's just hallucinating again, and actually talking to Lola. But he's learned by now to give in to the visions. It's just easier that way. Ozzy then explains that pens are dangerous weapons that can be used to poke someone in the eye. Is he babysitting or teaching a self-defense class? Ozzy might say, "I can't do this," but I think it's the captioners being lazy. A kid gets a shirt thrown in his face, and he starts crying. Ozzy stands gape-mouthed. More crying. Ozzy mumbles that he has to get out of there. The babies continue crying, and some Rico Suave dude is in bed with Sharon, and Ozzy gives a take to the camera and waddles out of there. "Where the fuck do they get the energy from? Christ Almighty," says Ozzy. And credits. Theme.

The episode is called "Bye Bye Babies."

Ozzy leads Jack into one of his rooms where he has his old gigantic synth set up. It's been in storage for thirty years. Jack feigns interest. There is a Black Sabbath sticker on the back. Ozzy tells Jack to "smell it." Hee. And ew. Ozzy explains that he wrote a lot of songs on it and it sounds great when it gets going. He thinks it's going to take him a couple days to figure it out. The thing is fucking huge. Jack leaves before Ozzy asks him if he knows how long he's been waiting to take his son fishing.

Downstairs. Dogs. Sharon tells us/Ozzy/the maids that she told Jack that since he's going to England for three days tomorrow, would he spend some time with his mom tonight? And he responded -- does she not think he'd want to see his friends before he goes? Sharon sadly says that she thought he was going to say, "see her." That's pretty sad. Sharon is lonely. Doesn't she, like, have some friends to call, or a band to rape out of money for the privilege of playing Ozzfest? Ozzy meanwhile cuts himself a huge piece of carrot cake. He tries to lighten the situation by informing us how much he loves carrot cake and how he could quite easily devour the whole thing. Jack comes in and hugs Sharon. A hug before a night of Oxy at the Roxy.

House. Day. Jack's room. Sharon makes Ozzy hang out in Jack's room while he packs. Ozzy is bored. Sharon finds a box of condoms. She's such a fucking snoop. How is she such a snoop and she doesn't know her son's a major drug addict? Jack responds to the condoms, saying he doesn't use them, and that he secretly has about eleven kids on the way. Sharon rubs Ozzy's back and Jack asks them not to "get fruity" in his room. Ozzy says that Jack "gets fruity" in his house. They go back and forth with this. Jack busts out a tiny hand-held breathalyzer and tells Ozzy to breathe into it. He does so, excited for some reason. He blows a 0.1. Sharon tells Jack to leave it with her. Ozzy, saying exactly what's on his mind because he's too drunk not to, yells to get it out of his fucking house and that he'll be busted every day and hung up by the balls by Friday. Jack says it's for his friends.

Ozzy and Jack hug. Ozzy tells him not to do anything stupid. Jack tells Lola not to be sad. Robert comes in and they knock fists. "R.T.G.," they say. What? Outside, Robert says he forgot his sunglasses. Jack laughs that they're going to England -- you don't need sunglasses there. Bitch Boy busts into the scene, laughing and joking about English weather. Shut up, Bitch Boy! Who asked you? They suddenly see that Lola has climbed into the SUV with them. Hee. Jack tries to get her out. He tells her he loves her.

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The Osbournes




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